IcY LaNd

2006-03-11T23:31:00.000-08:00

someone told mi tat i'm pessimistic and negative today and sounded pissed. not the first time. but i duno y this time i'm so affected. maybe coz of the big rain tat make mi all drenched and delirious. but at home alone in the evening gave mi time to reflect on myself.

i wanna apologize to all my frens and family. i realise i'm veri extremely sensitive pessimistic selfish and self centered. it must have been veri hard on everyone around me. especially after entering vjc i'm been even worse. wanna say a big sorry. hope u all will forgive mi. and i will try mai best to change. i nid time to change and adjust...and i hope all of u will give mi the time. it's realli a tough road..esp now in vj...realli dun wish to lose anyone of u.. i oso find myself feelin sad n mood swings out of sudden more frequently...find maiself detestful too. feel like i'll crumble anytime. i oso hate my pessimistic view and mindset. it's making mi vulnerable and easily affected by others. i dun mean wat i do. so plz dun be offended if i have been ap or wateva. trying to learn to be independent. hard. and mentally straining for mi. and sometimes i take things too seriously tat i get a headache myself. then i will start eating excessively and showing temper. i oso wan my family and friends to see mi and feel happy, and not listen to be me say some saddening stuff or experience my mood swings. and so i'll try to change for the better. juz in a nut shell SORRY!

2006-03-08T05:12:00.000-08:00

ANOTHER HEADACHE DAY!

WAT SHLD I DO?

NOW GORT NEW PROBs POP OUT!

SHIT LAH

DAMN IT

GOD I"M GETTING VULGAR

FREAKING CONFUSED

MY HEAD LIKE SPILT INTO SO MANY PIECES THINKING BOUT DIFF STUFF

I'M SORRY

WAT SHOULD I DO?

2006-03-07T03:17:00.000-08:00

bad bad day.

i'm ap the whole dae.

first bad news in the morning.

felicia n mi not same class.

tho i noe not much hope.

but sad la.

y everyone so lucky.

von got same class as denise.

others oso quite ok in new classes.

i'm still same class din change tho combi changed.

envy others.

denied a second chance.

cried on bus n in class.

haha everyone believed tat it was my contact lens prob.

wateva.

duno how to explain my behaviour todae.

maybe i'm unreasonable.

maybe i'm selfish.

maybe i'm just jealous.

i duno.

todae is juz a too big blow altogether for mi.

duno y i feel threatened.

maybe i behave like tat coz i dun wan to go thru the pain of losing a fren. close frens.

it's even more painful to lose them slowly.

i know tat familiar pain.

so i would rather lose them now n fast.

maybe the ending would be as bad but losing them will be due to my actions.

i dun wan it to happen.

i juz can't control myself.

i duno y juz can't continue faking a smile.

i know i should be happy for u.

should rejoice for u.

i know my reactions and nehaviour are stupid n childish and unreasonable.

but maybe i'm too possessive.

maybe i'm scared and insecure.

maybe i'm sensitve and dumb.

maybe these days life have made mi idotic and stupid and vulnerable and oversuspicious.

maybe after so much in this 16 years i no longer trust any kind of relationship esp friendship to be strong

i believe it's juz matter of time i lose u 2.

so i can't bring myself to face u all.

i will be there when u r sad.

i will be there if u nid mi.

i will be there if u got prob.

but i duno how to react anymore.

the awkardness.

the thoughts tat run thru my mind wen i see u.

it's stupid n dumb to ruin great friendships like tat.

but hey i'm not a great loss anyway.

i'm redundant and sacrifacial.

u all will make great pals

i dun wan to be the middle person.

where i juz stand there as an eye sore.

the loss is overwhelming.

it breaks my heart too to behave like tat.

to be such a dreadful and unreasonable person.

it hurts to lose u all after wat we have been thru.

it hurts to drift apart after being best frens with u all.

then suddenly we will not be. it frightens mi.

but i duno. it's inevitable rite.

u ppl are the onli ones i haf in vjc.

without u all i'll prob be disorientated and lost.

but i rather it now tat later. where pain will be more.

all the best.

maybe u all will think i'm so freaking petty selfish and unreasonable being like tat.

but i duno how to xplain.

no one can know and understand fully how others feel.

it's just naturally born in mi. this way of thinking. this way of attitude.

my class too todae went out to i duno where.

then goign suntec toghether.

they prob think i'm antisocial.

and while they bond with one anotehr i'm drifting further.

think i''ll be all alone again in classes in breaks in ccas in free time.

anywhere anytime.

life sux.

i dun wan to go on anymore.

it's so damn freaking tired.

i'm so filled with dread and hatred that i lose my ability to love.

2006-03-06T20:32:00.000-08:00

todae is O2.

i din face the same prob i did the other time.

simply coz i skipped it.

din exactly pon.

i went to sch.

attended the first half of it.

then after tat i juz hid ard the sch la.

from the swing to the container classrm.

tho tho tho the feeling of isolation is still there.

i tink luckily todae got von bei wo.

or else i'll be so damn lonely again.

but once again pessimistic thoughts starts to fly.

wen sch starts everybody prob will find their new frens.

todae saw my class ppl sitting together talking happily.

sitting from far looking at them.

i envy to be part of them.

to have a bond to class or sumthing.

but sadly i can't.

so hard trying.

with no success.

i'm giving up.

i'm such a failure.

actually my calss gort some nice ppl.

but the fact tat they r nice yet i can't click with them prove further my failure.

everyone can click.

it's only me. me and me alone.

wat the hell is wrong with me???

anyway i'm changing to econs.

duno will change class not.

on one hand i dun wan change class.

hu noes wat class i'll go in, good or bad.

on the other i wan to change.

wan to go to a place where i dun feel distrust and betrayal.(mostly'starhub')

i'm feeling scared. damn scared.

there's no one ard to hug mi. and tell mi it's alright.

i duno y suddenly i have tis insecure scary alone feeling again.

i dunno.

but i'm scared.

really scared...

2006-02-19T05:55:00.000-08:00

the problem with mi:

(1) uninteresting and boring

(2) talk crap tat onli i myself understand

(3) think too much about things, leading to false happiness and massive shi wang

(4) say wrong stuff to wrong ppl

(5) once deflated will give up on everything for eg books (like now)

(6) pessimistic and sadistic

(7) sux at everything (esp pool)

(8) always the odd one out

(9) know nilch bout lastest stuff and trends

(10) cling to ppl who r obviously irritated with mi

bad mood

2006-02-16T20:01:00.000-08:00

booie.

long time neva blogg le.

tho i have tons of homewk to do(coz i totally stoned n slack my week off), i shall blog todae.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO VONNIE!!!

(please use imagination)
happy birthday to you,
happy birthday to you.
happy birthday!~~~! to you..~~
happy birthday~~ to you~

hmm. for jae i chose vjc.

was hesitating between vjc and tjc.

tho i tink i suit beta in tjc and PROB MAYBE can haf a bit more xi wang dere

but i'm scared la.

wat if i face the same prob there?

at least here i have my dhs frens. namely denise-si and felicia-puff.

veri grateful to both of them.

without them i will prob rot to death in sch le.

took up so much of ur time. so sorry!

anyways. ya lo. dun dare to change environment.

prob i will regret in future but dunno la.

maybe i'll transfer sch after 1st 3 mths?!

lol. *headache*

wanna thx vampire angelx too.

duno if u'll see this

wahah. mUacKx!

rmb to help mi book eds tix hor. =))

hmm. my situation now not veri improving.

while others like so so so so so so happy.

juz wish i can be happy one day too.

*cross fingers* (tho possiblilty is like 10 X 10^-999999999)

anyways. life is hard la.

no one trusts mi.

similarly there's so few ppl i can trust too.

can't sae i'm a good person or i dun deserve such treatment.

but juz feel so sick y i have to haf so much experience where i trust someone and in the end the ending is always bad.

so many times leave mi so damn sick.

trust is such a common yet scarce thing.

can i ever trust again? can i be trusted again?

tat r the questions.

anyway i promised a not sadistic post a long time ago.

hmm. let mi start.

wat happy things.

number one --- learning how to cycling. it's like a month plus ago liao.
lol. but veri happy. it's a great experience. so anyone wan to go cycling cum find mi. a big big thank you to the two greatest teachers in the galaxy, namely ms denise teooooo and mr jermeeeeeeeee. hhahax. thankx!

number two --- ...

die la... i forgot le.

ahaha.

wateva.

anyway. haha. i'm broke le la.

spent like 40 plus on vdae.

coz i tot will be like everydae like tat exchange gifts mahx.

but lol. nobody realli bothered.

it's like vdae now more of couple day than friendship day le.

so aiya...zao chi dao jiu can save some money.

but i dun regret la.

lols. duno y now i luv making cards.

tho it's like my art is SUPER DUPER BAD and UGLY

but i like doing lehx whahax.

anyways. juz tat now veri restricted =((

coz jts alone oso spent bout 40 plus on prezzie n the dinner.

so all my dear savings are officially gone.

whahaax.

so now must be more economical when going out. =))

hmm. i'm getting lazy.

vjx juz dun give mi the feeling to study.

i'm been ponning, daydreaming, slacking at home.

wahhaax. the worst thing i dun feel guilty.

it's like i wan to waste my life off coz of the prob.

so..aiya...dunno la...

rar.

gotta go le.

american idol starting le.

byebye.

i dun wan to be alone.

2006-02-10T08:03:00.000-08:00

NOTHING IS GOOD ENOUGH.

NOTHING.

I HATE YOU.

I HATE EVERYONE.

Y ARE U NEVER SATISFIED.

Y EVERYONE IS LIKE TAT.

ASK MI AGAIN WHY I CAN'T SMILE.

2006-02-05T03:01:00.000-08:00

promised to give a happy post.

but sorry..

these few days veri busy...

no time to blogg..

and the happy mood juz fades and dissolves into nothing.

so reality catches up.

appeciates all efforts to make mi feel optimistic.

but reality juz dun permit.

maybe diff ppl have diff views diff perosnalities.

i view my life as a no-more-hope case.

i just hate my life now.

aiming to get past every day aimlessly.

it's so meaningless and tiring.

u will see mi the happiest on sat.

sun night i will be in a bad mood.

and mon to fri i'm be emotionless or towards negative side.

i'm happy to see all my friends settled happily in their new schools new classes new lifes.

really i am..

but it's just sometimes i look at them and look at myself...

i wonder why am i the only odd one out..

these days having some probs with my family too.

i noe there's something wrong with mi too..

something about mi tat people detest.

i dun dare to go bother other ppl anymore..

even sometimes i wan to reply sms wen ppl ask mi how i'm doing...

i will take so long to reply tat i gan cui dun rep.

i've bugged ppl too much..

so much tat even i myself feel tat i'm too bothersome if i say anything more.

it's the same old thing.

and i dun think i can handle or solve.

but other ppl can't help mi for longg.

they can hear mi out.

they can hold mi cry.

but they have their own life.

their own circle.

their own activities.

their own new friends.

it's not for long i know i'll be on my own once more.

it will be tougher than now.

and i fear when it will cum.

maybe it's my attitude now.

it has changed.

i pon classes now.

i pon ccas now.

i never do my tutorials.

i zzz in lectures.

i sulk.

i run off.

blahx blahx.

i hate the me now.

but i can't help it but act this way.

my mind filled with so much things.

i'm so tired mentally and physically.

school and home.

place a weight on mi so heavy tat i dun thnk i can carry anymore.

i wan to find something to spur mi up again.

to make mi feel alive once more.

to see hope.

but tat's like finding needle in haystack.

i dun dare to open up.

i dunno why.

maybe i have lost trust in freindship.

lost trust in my own judgement.

lost trust in my self.

lost trust in my world.

2006-01-22T18:51:00.000-08:00

i take back all my words.

i ever say to anyone.

any of the good things.

life sux.

a lot of things happen.

almost couldn't bear it.

luckily there's the kawaii vampireangel.

and my tv and movies and music blahx.

sumtimes how i wish the results will cumout faster.

i hope i do well.

but on the other hand i hope otherwise.

then i can start anew even with my mum dictorship.

and i totally sux at studies now.

i can't adapt to lectures and style.

and my eh...environment makes mi not want to study concentrate but to run away.

having hard time to catch up.

but hope this will improve soon.

i'm a good witch.

lol helped my mum n sis to do some tarot reading.

they say it's rather accurate =)

these few days throat infection.

ouchh.

tons of anti-biotics and reduce swelling med.

instead of eating less i eat more.

lol coz tat antibiotics veri strong.

yesterday i slept the whole day like a pig.

so i din use my throat much.

now feeling much better.

juz hope i can recover fast.

or i will keep coughing.

so paiseh.

things just get worse and worse don't they.

2006-01-12T05:10:00.000-08:00

it was pity i got.

wasn't friendship.

was so happy wen dhs frens tok to mi.

but hey it was juz becoz of my sadistic posts and stuff.

still glad they still make an effort to tok to mi.

but yeah. if it wasn't for this will anyone rmb mi?

wondering.

hahah one of my classmate din even recognize mi after 5 days.

wat a joke.

resign to fate.

2006-01-10T22:22:00.000-08:00

tml open sch le.

my nightmare is going to unfold in less than 12 hours.

juz hope it will not turn out as bad as i think.

realli thx for ppl's concerns.

hope ppl dun find mi irritating coz i keep lamentin.

juz hope u guys dun think i trying to get sympathy or wateva.

it's juz hard bottling up feelings at times.

and i tink blogging it makes mi feel beta...less sadistic? i dunoo.

juz hope ppl juz dun tok to mi bcoz of my this sadistic posts.

i wan ppl tok to mi bcoz it's mi.

i dun wan pity.

but thx anyway. =))

aiyaya. still scared bout tml.

HOW?! HOW?! HOW?!

HELPPPP.

2006-01-07T03:56:00.000-08:00

yesterday is day 4 of orientation.

mass dance at suntec.

think it's the best part of the whole orientation.

tho i din join in the run-around-fountain craze

but i was cheering till my throat was hoarse la

fun fun fun tho more than half the dance i was anyhow dance de.

the other half i was imitating the ppl in front (namely bazhang and another unknown guy)

punch my ogl. until yesterade he ask mi 'are u in oz?'

gosh 4 days liao he still duno mi.

and he keep sayign mi look and sounds like china ppl.

-.-

saw my class yesterday.

ehhh. somehow after the CT session i learn to appreciate my orientation group beta.

reason..hmm..we'll see.

just hope my class will turn beta.

dun be lonely again.

but got bad feeling it will be worse than og.

kinda a omen.

how to put this..? the truth unveils? sumthing i never expected..?

wateva. shall not say it here.

but was veri pissed la.

was complaining to my mum all night yesterday.

but anyway...

i miss dhs!!!

i miss 4i!!!

realli felt the warmth and bond there.

juz cross my fingers. the future.

2006-01-03T03:22:00.000-08:00

todae is first day of orientation.

went there with enthusiasiam.

came home with tears.

my orientation grp is ozmose's oz.

out of bout 13 ppl 7 of them are dunmanians.

conicidentally they all seem to know each other.

ppl keep saying i'm lucky.

but let mi tell u i'm NOT.

all of them are sticking together.

i can't seem to communicate with them.

then there left 2 more girls from other sch.

one don't seem to wan make fren mi. she turn to the other dunmanians.

the other either is not interested in making friends or is toking to others.

time seems to pass very slowly today.

i had to keep pretending to be enthu. dun show a sulking face.

i'm juz standing there alone. sitting alone. watching alone.

i was toelrating. oppressing the sadness in me. was doing fine till..

i lost my shoebag which contain my white dhs uniform, my new orientation shirt and all the impt papers.

i was so freaked out and scared.

at the end of the day i told my group members. the dunmanians and the other girls.

nobody tried to help.

they juz leave.

at tat time i was at total loss.

i asked one of my orl wat to do if i lost the orientation shirt coz we r supposed to wear it tml.

she say go find. if can't find she also duno how liao lo.

at tat point of time i felt so lost.

luckily after many ppl leave liao i found my bag at another corner.

tink someone took wrongly and left it lying ard.

was controllin my tears then.

i went home alone, oppressing.

anyway no one ask mi go home 2gether.

once i reached home i broke down.

i cried to my mum. told her why.

my mum scolded mi at first.

but she saw mi crying so badly then she stopped.

my sis oso sae it's juz first day of orientation.

but my grp ppl are like so shou liao.

only me. a stupid outcast.

and i tink the otehr dunmanians which i noe oso dun care bout mi liao la.

i was never an impt fren.

plus i'm taking such a weird combi tat few take.

i know the other 4 more days of orientation will not be different.

i duno how i m gonna live thru it.

and everyday is like morning to evening. 5 plus 6 o'clock den end.

i'm gonna die.

i dun wan tml to cum.

bad luck juz seems to follow mi.

last time my teeth are like straight. really.

but now they r alreadi getting crooked.

alreadi one front tooth like tat liao.

now i noticed the two veri front 'door' teeth also getting crooked le.

but no one believes mi.

my mum asked mi to shut up n stop pestering her.

but it's true.

my sis sae maybe coz my teeth are quite close to each otehr so they start squeezin each other, causing them to be crooked.

my god la. i'm alreadi so ugly. with ugly features.

now my teeth oso like tat.

i confirm no money go repair de.

why is my life so miserable?

2006 sux and i have 12 months more to live thru.

kill mi.

2005-12-30T02:04:00.000-08:00

i feel so scared.

so abandoned.

so alone.

i told myself everyday to change.

to learn how to cope with my sensitiveness.

to learn how to be less miserable

to feel happy even though i'm alone

but i juz can't do it.

i'm forsaken.

i'm alone.

a mere five letter word makes mi shudder.

i dun wanna be alone.

but i tink i'm destined to be.

no family no friends.

people juz leave mi.

people juz dun care bout mi.

it's matter of time.

nth last.

it's hurting inside.

i dun wan to be lonely.

i dun wan to be alone.

but i am.

2005-12-19T23:10:00.000-08:00

it's not fair.

always so unfair.

i'm not going to care.

i'm the disgrace of the family.

i'm the black sheep.

i dun fit in.

i'm the worst of all.

which one of u ever care bout mi.

which one ever concern bout mi.

it's all bout ur friends ur relatives ur bf/gf.

everyone but mi.

i dun deserve anything in u ppl hearts don't i?

I HATE ALL OF YOU!

*the above text is dedicated to mai family
hope it doesn't applies to u...

2005-12-19T12:46:00.000-08:00

booie.

wat a frightful morning.

today the chinese calender say today is 'chong' goat. which is my mum!

then juz now my mum fell down at home.

old ppl are fragile. so can imagine her pain. OUCHH!!!

she can't stand up so we let her lie on mai sis's bed.

after a while out of a sudden the poles(used to hang the wet bedsheets in my sis's room)suddenly fell onto the bed where my mum was!!!

but heng ah...din really hit my mum much. we managed to push them away.

now my bro went to work liao. left mi n my mum.

SCARED. dunno wat will happen next.

hope mum can pass this day safely.

now hu can doubt the mystical power of chinese belief.

2005-12-14T14:35:00.000-08:00

time flies. 14 dec'05 le.

been two whole years.

can't get to slp last night.

so much things rushing back to mai mind.

happy. sad. all.

decided to watch dvd to keep my mind occupied.

watched andy lau's tong meng qi yuan first.

the storyline is ok la. but the ending made mi cry.

ming yan 'a family cannot be short of anyone'

quite true i tink. it feels diff if short of any one member.

tat movie triggered more of my thinking.

so i watched another movie regretfully. 'Land of the Dead'

gosh. ppl who dun favour horror shows shld never ever watch this.

gross and gruesome. worst so far i've seen.

gosh. imagine the flesh-tearing, blood...blahx blahx.

hahahx. caused me to have nightmare last night la.

nevertheless i like horror shows. hahax.

i'm a weirdo.

anyway. today i wan to thx the most impt person in my life.

thanks for always being there no matter wat happen.
thanks for defending everytime mum wanna beat mi.
thanks for bringing mi to eat fries after school.
thanks for making the-just-nice-sweetness milo for mi everyday.
thanks for thinking for mi always no matter how's ur condition.
thanks for bringing mi out and keeping mi company.
thanks for ur hugs, encouragements and trust in mi.
thanks for being the one to make mi feel loved, secure, cherished and protected.
thanks for everything you have done for mi no matter how bad i am.
there's so much things i wan to say thanks to u. so much to apologize.
i miss u so much.
u may be gone for 2 years. but i'll neva forget u. never ever.
i love you daddy.

2005-11-26T00:08:00.000-08:00

wanted to pop some panadols with coke.

in fact i collected 8 panadols liao.

but i'm a coward.

i scared it hurts.

so i came online to find more info.

and then now it proves i'm a damn worthless coward.

can't even do this.

after reading that guide online.

and learning bio makes it more difficult.

tot it was instant but the guide says a week or two.

prolonged torture.

and i'm very scared of the instant way.

i have low pain tolerance.

i duno wat to do.

2005-11-24T23:35:00.000-08:00

rar.

went to tm todae to see some clothes for prom with mum.

nth seems ok.

mum keep saying i'm ROUND.

i agree. coz every thing i try..eeks.. i look horrendous.

i tink going prom is a WRONNGGGGG decision.

everyone there probably look great.

i'll onli disgrace maiself further.

but pau sae register laio jiu cannt fan hui le.

help.

feeling alone.

in the past.

now.

my whole life.

2005-11-23T12:30:00.000-08:00

i'm such a failure.

no matter wat i do.

nth good happens.

only all the bad luck cum to mi.

my siemens hp which is oni one mth old is spoilt.

how cum no one as bad luck as mi b4.

i sux.

my life sux.

siemens sux.

my mum keep scolding.

coz this hp nid to pay quite a lot.

she hurling abuses at mi not the main issue tho.

i'm scared whether my hp can repair ornot.

and if it need charges.

i totally dunno wat's wrong with it.

coz it can't even on.

hate siemens.

hate myself for choosing tat hp.

it's the first FIRST time i get to choose my own hp.

and now this happens?!

i'm destined to haf 2nd hand hp i guess.

i hate making choices.

i hate making decisions.

i hate myself.

-anti-hp-

2005-11-22T21:47:00.000-08:00

booie.

pardon mi for all my sadistic and harsh posts.

juz trying to fa-xie expressing my true feelin at that true time.

anyway. my ears HURTSSSS!

juz went to pierce my EARRRR.

my sister accompanied mi.

and she got so irritated with mi tat she wanted to walk off.

she say mi so kua zhang.

but is realli PAIN lo.

haha. maybe is my pain tolerance is low.

anyway tat's not the main point.

lalala. i haf my ears pierced lalalalala.

pain. pain. pain.

still must twist here n there. ahyoyo. scary.

anyway coz i sae b4 if survive o's and another 'specific condition' den i'll pierce my ears lo.

lalalala.

now my ears are swollen and ouchy pain.

and i din noe the earrings muz stay for for at least a mth.

and i chose a not veri nice one. sobx.

hahahahaha. lalala.

ouchh. accidentally hit dao my ear. AHHHH.

i getting weird.

i getting fat.

ate so much junk juz now.

lalalala.

todae went with denise to tm.

watched 'SKY HIGH'

nice showw!!! hahahax.

bought new modem liao.

but my com keep disconnecting itself.

duno wat's its prob.

aRgH!

after so long. i'm still walking alone.

everyone is juz full of lies and false fronts.

sick of it.

life's sad.

2005-11-22T09:48:00.000-08:00

i hate my mum.

i hate my mum.

i hate my mum.

for no reason she start scolding mi.

juz bcoz she feel irritated by a wrong number call tis morning tat woke her up

start screaming and scolding like a insane freak

i will never ever try to talk to her my problems anymore

i told her a few days that i'm feelin quite alone in sch

and now?

she use it as a subject to scold mi

WHAT THE

she keep saeing 'ppl like u of coz no fren la' and stuff like tat

den prom is SHE hu ask mi to go

and now she start saying 'rich la. go wat prom. go oso waste money rite. u will be alone oso wat.' den 'dun xpect mi 2 give money to ppl like u. go prom oso no use'

comeon lo. waste money oso not waste hers. dun give jiu dun give la.

my bdae money onli 90 bucks altogether la. after paying 50 for entry fees. siao la. she think i 90 bucks is millionaire ah or my 90 bucks can reproduce itself. mad.

i hate her. i hate her. i hate her.

where got mother use this to say own daughter one.

some ppl ask mi y i so no self-confidence.

in this family can i have any?

i dun even haf any one to confide in.

my bro neva listen to mi. my sis thinks i'm a nuisance. my mum will use my xin shi and problems to suan mi and scold mi.

i told my mum hoping to get sum encouragment.

yet now i get this scolding and criticism.

i dun tink i deserve it. i didn't even offend her today.

my heart is hurting like hell.

y use my problem to cum scold mi.

i have no one worth trusting.

no frens. no family.

so unlike other ppl.

so much about her being so good somtimes.

yeah rite. so many times i say she's nice to mi can see pattern.

becoz my relatives r there.

she haf to put on a caring good motehr front.

but in reality?

wait another zillion billion years bahx.

i hate this life.

2005-11-22T00:59:00.000-08:00

booie.

hmm. yesterdae went my grandma hse. watched the thai quan wang show called wat gong bak or sumthing. my uncle called it the tom yam soup guy. lolx. it's about tat guy and his dear elephant. his gong fu is WOW! so cool.

saw my little cousinS. the older one i tink bout 2 plus years old is veri pretty n cute. hear her speak yesterdae. is cute but i dun udnerstand. it juz came out as a string of jumbled words. lolx. den her baby sister oso veri cutteee. especially wen she smiles. haha i wan my own kid too. anyway i dun see them often so not veri close. i tink they see mi like a bit scared lehx. as for crystal my another cousin. gosh. now she treat mi like a tree. and she is the koala bear. she's 30 kg and she pounce on mi. help.

yesterdae is my whole family go mahx. den my grandma n aunt were all praising my sis so thin n pretty. bahx. i tink i realli can't compare to one-hundredth of her. but nvm la. i'm a fan of my sis too anyway. lala. partially coz i quarrelled my family tat morning. so my face is sulking. den my mum kept yakking at mi. so my relatives (except my ye man cousin) like oso anti-mi. bahx.

hmm. i'm going prom. lala. at first going den not going den now going again. the clothes r gonna be a big headache as well as a BIG BOMB. bahx. plus with prelims and o's earlier onli sit at hum eat n no move. my fats accumulate till eeks. actually planned to go exercise during holidays. budden weird now is holidaes le budden mi getting even more lazier and keep munching on titbits while watching my dvds. lolx. fatter liao la. probably will look horrible on tat day. budden duno la. my mum ask mi go. kinda weird ah. duno y she ask mi go. pengx. but i probably be very broke. coz she sae i got a few ang bao from aunties so muz use own money. not even more than 100 lo. my purse will be so emptyyy soon. plus those bdae prezzie i owe..AHHhyoYoO!

hmm. still feelin quite i-duno-how-to-explain. budden after spending a day at hum listening to songs and watching dvds...being alone isn't tat bad after all. is all about self-amusing. which coincidentally is my forte. hahax.

hmm. had a dream. is weird. coz it's like a series of dreams starting from last year or sumthing. i can't rmb the person's face. but the feeling wen i woke up feels so close so i-duno-how-to-describe de qing jing. feels so real. yet wen i wake up nth is there. hmm. hu's tat person. so familiar. yet so far. maybe zhou-gong can tell mi. yet i hope i can stop this dream. coz everytime i wake up. it's pain again. coz i will imagine into the impossibles. absolutely impossibles.

hmm. my sis is so into chicken little. coz she thinks the chicken look like her bf. haha. as for mi. i tink the chicken is CUTEEE. so kawaii. i so gonna going to watch!

keep forgetting wat i wan to blog. juz now like got a few more sadistic things want to type de. budden now i forgot liao. maybbe nexxt time bahx.

bye.

2005-11-19T23:50:00.000-08:00

yay. o's is over.

and my com is finally ok.

wanted to bloggg a whole chunk on post-o's thoughts.

as well as the nice nice touching cute dhs graduation ceremony.

budden my mood is seriously dampened.

reason 1 --- a particular person whom i shall refer as 'IT' coz using 'he' or 'she' will seriously insult humans.
i seriously hate IT. IT sux. i dun tink i offend u in any way. UNREASONABLE POK. i'm sick of putting up with u anymore. RARRRRR. evil pok. i'm SICK SICK SICK. so wat u r bcuming popular. GET LOSTTTTTTT. u petty pig. do i need to oblige all ur whim and fancy?!! every ppl have their own difficulties and stuff. who is like u so lucky. idiot. hate u. u can go haf every other ppl's company. i can juz stay alone. beta without u idiot.GO DIEEEEE.

reason 2 --- todae's graduation. and i tink i'm destined to be alone. everyone is like so huggy and stuff. tho i keep pulling ppl to take pix budden the heart is wrenching in pain inside. i luv 4i and dhs. so she bu de to leave. will miss all my classmates and ppl there. budden no one will ever rmb mi. coz they all got other ppl. more impt ppl. i juz suxx like hell. now i'm scared of going vjc liao which is a 2nd dhs. or even class outings and proms. i'll probably get isolated there again.
i starting from beginning already got very little frens liao. now feel so far away from them. and they all have found other goody frens. i can go to hell then.

reason 3 --- i'm such a bore. keep boring ppl. and i keep offending other ppl. it feels so bad to keep pissing ppl off. sick of this life.

reason 4 --- some things r juz not worth being happy over. it makes u very extremly happy till u can't sleep at one moment and the next moment disappoint u till u drop to rock bottom. some things r juz impossible. no use. why juz on the deadline and then throw me into darkness? or did i juz imagine it? there's only coldness and hatred i see and feel in this world.

feelin damn anti-social now.

y shld i care bout the world wen the world dun wan mi.

can't imagine wat will i do if my com is still spoilt and i can't cum to blogger and lament.

avoid mi all u all wan.

i can't care anymore.

i haf no more strength.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

2005-10-31T00:15:00.000-08:00

booie.

hahha. i'm back after soooo long.

anyway, todae is 31 OcTobEr!!!

besides the horrendous hcl exam which i have not much confidence in (dun wan to tink of it liao)

it's my MUM'S BIRTHDAY!!!

it's XIN YU's BIRTHDAY!!!

HapPy biRthdaY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

todae after eating kfc lunch with my new chickee card (lol!) i went home and rushed a nice nice bdae card for my mum.

den our whole family and my sis's bf and my aunt n cousin went out to celebrate mama's bdae.

went to eat a sumptuous dinner hahaha fuLLLLL.

den went shopping lalala~

anyway i shared the bdae prezzie with my sis.

it's a supplement called glutamine or something hahha

supposed to strengthen bones and stuff.

hahhaa price secret >.<

it's the first prezzie my mum din scold us for. hahah hence very memorable!

hope my mum like it.

yeah had fun taking care of my little dear P2 cousin CryStaL

hahha maybbe is i tong xin wei min bahx. really had a great time playing 'GaMeS' with her.

for eg using the 3 stuffed snowman at home as puppets, chhopstick, pillow fight.

hahahx. stuck with her the whole dae.

gosh she was sooooo violent. she smacked mi and there was deep red mark. OucH!

and wen she huggg gosh i probably suffocate. lolx.

and wen she start singing the teletubby song in public it's probably time to close our ears.

lolx. budden it's fun babysitting her.

sometimes wish tat i had a younger sibling.

budden on e other hand maybe not really a gd thing coz my sis hateee mi lots!

hahah i luv kids. *hint hint to sis*

had a great time todae tho tiring. hahax

it's sometimes so funny how my family can make mi feel so bliss at one moment and so agonized and sad at another moment.

i luv my family no matter how namy or serious quarrel we haf.

i luv my mum. she's strong no matter wat happen. without her i probably die now. without her i duno wat i'll do wen i haf my backaches. without her i dunno how to handle all the flying creatures at home. wifout her i probably breakdown. thx mama!

i luv my bro. tho he's childish and unreasonable at times with his bad habits budden he realli took care of mi wen the times were hard. aligato!

i luv my sis. yeah tho i noe she dun realli like mi lol coz i noe i'm irritating budden i realli admire her. for wat she is, the way she look and present herself, her way of thinking, her strength and blahx blahx. my mini ou-xiang. as in chong bai de ou-xiang. not ou tu de dui xiang hor! thx for tat leg-shake!

i noe the quarrels, especially those major ones with my mum, is rather inevitable (coz everyone in my hse had rather fiery temper and sharp mouth hahah). my mum sae my sis is a spit-fire (oops!) i am the cruel cursing queen (not san zi jing!!!) as in ju zu those tat i hate (hahahha!) and she is the ultimate. hahahax. hence all three of us mixed together? BOOM! hope we can haf more happy times like todae than those previous entries tat i have typed. budden reality tells mi to expect tat future entries to be extreme in nature. hahahx. coz quarrel is brewing and never ending in my family. hahahx even day b4 exam oso can da da chu shou and catfight one. hahahx.

lalalala~

muz watch wang zi bian qing wa! dang-ou!

hope my o's can turn for beta coz so far 4 papers (including pracs) kinda diastrous la.

duunnoo hu i can turn to wen i'm feelin stressed and worried for o's or wen i did badly in the papers.

so it juz accumulates inside mi. and makes mi so sick tat i detest the mere sight of books.

once again i discovered tat i'm so dispensable.

do i haf real frenz?

or perhaps...

i'm juz alone.

回到最初的自己

i

2005-09-27T00:46:00.000-07:00

booie.

went to orchard with von, denise and pau todae.

TIRED. lolx coz walk a LOT.

first went to taka eat. lolx. met hee sinee they all.

ate sushi, cheese roll blahx blahx. yummy.

after tat went heeren far east to walk.

lalala we walk n walk n walk.

pau bought a mickey mouse watch. it's nice!

den went to borders!!!

hahahx. find sooooo long den found the tarot section.

gosh all the tarots are EX!

and the books like kinda redundant for mi.

coz my 2 tarot sets are chinese de and the books r the english type.

so i bought a 'dream dictionary'!!!

bascially it is to intepret people's dreams lo.

so if you got any weird weird dream u duno wat it means muz come find mi!!!

after tat actually wannted to go play pool at princess but it's getting late.

it's going to be 7! there's sumthing veri impt!!

if u r thinking wat i'm thinking..

yup is The Dragon Heroes!

hahax todae dragon king come out...hohoho..he's so cute!!!

tml class going yumcha at chinatown.

neh. i'm not going. coz too ex le lahx.

12 bucks for breakfast. plus i dun realli eat much e cuisine there.

so yeah not going. bahx.

hope they haf fun!

lolx. and i will be staying at home to play my SP!!!

hahahx. juz now juz downloading sp2.

it's almost the same la. EXCEPT

there's 2 new characters (1 fire 1 earth)

there's new game mode (king survival or sumting)

there's new color scheme (pink or purple)
(hahah imagine cream in purple hair..hohoho...)

there's new layout.

haha it's kinda cool and fun.

lolx. the onli prob... i'm LOST!

hahah dun realli familar with the new layout and stuff.

so i'm slow.

yeah. but dun worry. i will pia later and tml!

coz i wan to go channel 5 and play quest 5!!!

haix. tml (or today to be exact) is tuesday le!!!

bahx. DOOMSDAY WED is approaching.

yeah. the more i think the more i m sure i'm dead.

i tink even my emaths is a goner le.

bahx. my mum is gonna be so damn angry.

so now muz play more. so later die at least got enjoy b4.

bahx. scared.

ouch. having backache.

maybe walk too much liao.

plus my old ailment.

ouchy ouchy.

okiee la. mi go play sp lo.

hahah. no early zzz.

must cherish the short remaining peaceful time.

bahx.

2005-09-25T02:39:00.000-07:00

booie.

new blogskin.

took mi bout 4 hours to find one tat i like.

spent like the whole night on it.

finally it's out.

tho it's kinda weird still.

yeah. so much to blog.

first thing..? oh. prelims's over.

during prelims felt so stressed and busy.

felt like after prelims got a lot of things to do like tat.

weird thing a sense of emptiness kinda overcome mi.

not much places tat i wan to go actually.

not much things i wan to do tho.

maybe juz the movies, music, tv, sp and neopets.

and i am not going to touch the books so fast.

juz weird. weird. weird.

now instead feelin so uneasy.

coz i noe my prelims results is going to be a lot worse than usual.

kinda flopped under stress.

i'm scared.

bsides emaths really no other subj i confident le.

i'm gonna be so dead.

the msn 7.5 is cool.

got the voice clips.

kinda ke xi no one got dl and haf microphone.

cannot try with mi.

actually wanted to blog bout the past few daes.

but i kinda forgot most of the things i wan to blog.

so suan le bahx.

maybe the onli thing is the dream i had last nite.

can sae it's a nice nightmare.

it filled mi with bliss yet pain.

it's one fairytale tat will neva cum true.

hmm. todae went to tamp to watch 'The Cave' with von.

first to mention the popcorn is great.

i'm deprived of it too long.

anyway the movie was NICE!

not really veri horror or gruesome actually.

only one part where there's one guy who got pinned onto the ceiling by stalactites.

bahx. tat was gross and PAINFUL.

den went to play the 'not real' pool at the arcade.

found tat pool is a nice and fun thing.

shall play it more often.

tat if anyone ask mi coz i duno where to go to play.

after tat went bugis to see see shop shop.

day didn't end tat well.

on the way home got call from sis.

quarrel again. between mum and bro.

worried sick. rushed home.

so sick of them quarelling.

den i got pulled into the whole mess.

apparently someone peeped into my diary.

den comes the pep talk.

honestly wat they sae dun really work

they dun understand mi.

there's so many things they dun understand.

and they dun even let mi talk.

especially my mum.

going on and on.

threatened to shout if i shake my head.

and i dun think they really care bout mi.

true enuf. juz now i quarrelled with my mum.

she threw mi out of the room.

tat's y i still blogging at this hour.

which means i got to sleep in the hall again.

and she blurted out the real reason for tat pep talk.

coz she dun wan mi to blog all our family quarrels here.

HA! the more she dun wan the more i do.

not many ppl cum here anyway.

wat's so wrong with her.

keep shouting and shouting.

my sis is off to her bf hse.

my bro. dun talk. quarrel with him too.

they dun luv mi at all.

no one ever lend mi their ear to hear mi talk.

i'm trying to hard to fit in.

in this world. with friends. and even in the family.

but i failed. terribly.

wat family.

do i haf?

i'm sick of this le.

yeah holiday is good.

but if it means i haf to stay at hum and face them.

i rather go sch.

it's living hell.

juz no one understands... ...
i'm so tired...

2005-09-02T21:20:00.000-07:00

physics prac over le.

think i probably did badly.

tat stupid extension qn.

probably god wanna punish me for slacking the 2 days off.

wed went back to fengshan.

realised a lot of things have changed. the school...the teachers.. blahx blahx..

only a few tat i knew are still dere.

n surprisingly ms swee ( my choir teacher) recognize mi.

she neva change. still same outfit and look.

wen i look at fengshan memories flowed back...

how i miss the times in pri sch

where everything is so innocent and clearcut

it also highlighted to mi how much things has changed.

my old frens now like strangers.

my teachers now retired or transferred.

once again nothing lasts.

for me.

is it mai fault?

i brought everything on maiself?

todae quarrelled with family.

it suddenly feel like there's no one i can count on.

it is so hurting to noe tat i'm alone.

especially wen they hate mi so much.

i noe they dislike me a lot.

the family is still complete without me.

the words. the screaming.

the coldness.

they labelled me.

as tempermental.

as unreasonable.

as a spoilt idiot brat.

as a detestable stranger.

i tot it will be easy.

to adapt to solitary.

little i knew it's so hard.

it's great seeing people so happy.

yet in tat midst

i oso see how disastrous my life is.

how incomparable.

how insignificant.

how useless i am.

how my life is a mistake from the start.

i'm always the redundant one.

whenever others have someone else.

i feel tat the one to go should be me.

maybe i always feel tat frenships should be only one to one.

i haf no confidence to keep anyone by my side.

perhaps tat's y i believe nth lasts.

everything starts with the end in mind.

wen they start having other good frens

something juz lodged itself into my heart.

is it jealousy? is it the sense of being threatened?

i duno.

i'm afraid of losing the frenship.

but i always have the feelin tat it's mai time to go.

coz they will always be able to go on happily without me.

even though i'm been veri pessimistic in the past.

at least in tat darkness i used to hold a small little flame.

a tinge of optimism.

but duno since wen.

even that little flame has extinguished.

no more fighting spirit le.

i'm so sick of life.

i dun care le.

i eat n eat n eat.

gain a whole lot of weight. another layer of fats.

i slack and slack n slack.

like nobody's business.

i quarrel n fight n cry

like a stupid insane gal

i duno wat have becum of mi.

so many hurricanes these days.

china and us.

series after series.

then there is terrorists everywhere.

bomb here bomb there.

why dun bomb me.

is end of world cuming?

wateva.

faster cum beta.

can't stand it already.

pressure from my mother.

from so many directions.

you tink i dun wanna do well?

i can't control myself.

tat's wat makes mi even more tong ku.

i noe i'm useless.

dun nid to keep emphasizing.

anyway yesterdae gt project superstar.

wei lian won. our dear mang xia.

felt tat kelly should win actually.

but wei lian is nice too la.

actually his songs realli got gan dong dao wo.

especially the first song.

kelly yesterdae oso veri veri nice.

her last song was great.

both of them are winners.

hope they do well in future.

junyang and xinhui also performed until veri nice

they should haf contracts too.

especially junyang.

nevertheless yesterdae most exciting is lin junjie.

he rox. his vocal is nice and he is cute.

another cute person is cui peng!

the guy who act yao lie in the dragon heros on channel 8.

he's the male winner in star search'03.

from beijing. very shuai!

and oso kat-tun. nice jap music.

especially kame and jin.

blown away.

cute jap videos. veri hilarious.

tho i duno wat they toking.

next sat my grandma birthdae dinner.

gotta go and subject myself to i-duno-wat-torture.

my aunt will go 'ah u put on weight le hor'

and 'how's ur studies ah?'

den my sis will go talk to my pretty cousin.

my brother will go talk to the other guys there.

my mum as usual gotta go mingle around and talk talk.

and mi?

probably as usual stuff maiself with food.

take care of babies.

den go to the playground and stare at the sky.

how can ppl like me who can't even get along with my own family have any frens?

2005-08-30T19:33:00.000-07:00

booie.

phew. prelims part ONE over le.

Summary:
english --- compo sux totally. didn't finish. write wrong stuff. hard summary.
e-maths paper 1 --- not tat bad. a lot of careless mistakes tho.
social studies --- didn't write finish my conclusions for the 2 se. hard source-based qns.
hcl paper 1 --- eh. not gd nt bad. at least i finish on time.
history --- very hard structured qn. didn't know wat i was writing.

bahx. todae felt so relieved. tho the worst has yet to come. but at least the first ordeal over le. tho i dun think i did well and suffered lots of breakdowns but i shall try not to tink bout it for these 2 daes. relax bahx...

went to eat todae with xinyu, liwei dey all. went to sumo house to mum-mum den went giant to buy some 'meaningful' gifts for teachers' dae tml. bahx. felt very out la. it's very nice hanging out with them but juz can't click lehx. can't really tok to them. i tink i'm too nerdy bahx.

anyway once i reach home. hohoho. play time! played bout 3hrs of house of the dead 3! i'm violent!!! wahahahhax. budden still can't defeat the final leader lehx. angry!!! later muz go fight again. nice storyline tho. haix. i wan to go arcade to play the gun one...

feeling sad now. not one but TWO stupid things. y do i feel so bad over such senseless things??!!

watching chi zi cheng long now. ahh xiao bai long so cuteeeee! dun wan him and mingzhu together. should be with fei cui lo! bahx.

how nice if there is no exam?!

dun wan to tink bout the falling results.

dun wan to think bout my idiotness.

dun wan.

dun.

.

2005-08-26T15:37:00.000-07:00

it's the start of prelims.

first paper todae --- english.

was feelin uneasy about this whole prelims.

and i was right.

i totally sux todae.

i wrote the compo from 8.00am to 9.00am.

only to discover tat i wrote out of point.

so i rewrote the whole damn thing in 1/2 hour.

with onli 2 points instead of minimum of 3 points

and i'm left with 10 min to write my situational writing.

i didn't get to finish it.

and i didn't wrote both sides for tat miserable page tat i wrote.

which means i will fail very terribly for both

can't realli control my tears after i hand up the paper

so i cried in class

think a lot of ppl think i m a stupid nerd

went toilet to wash up

den went back class with smiles and all

concealing the pain inside

after whole thing went to eat with von

walked home alone

things juz flash thru my mind

took longer than ever to stroll home

was scared

decided tat i shld tell mai mum truthfully

but in the end i oso din

onli told part of it so tat it will not sound so bad

surprisingly she didn't scold

a look of disappointment flashed past her face

told mi to concentrate on other papers

i would rather she scold and beat me

coz i noe deep down she is feelin so disappointed

so will my father

i didn't do i promised

i flopped

i broke my promise to him

i'm sorryy. i didn't mean to.

i disappointed him and my mum.

disappointed myself too.

there's nth i can sae really satisfied about myself thru out my whole life.

onli perhaps my results.

my onli source of confidence and self-esteem.

but now. i'm losing everything. worthless.

and i'm letting so many people down.

honestly i have no more confidence in facing the rest of the prelims.

not to mention the o's.

keep freaking out.

wen the teachers going thru past year papers

i didn't know how to do.

my class seems to know it all.

and now. this proves it.

double confirm my speculation.

i'm juz trash. rubblish. worthless.

so stressed. so tiring. so pain.

i can't handle the frequent breakdowns le.

it's hard pretending tat i'm not.

trying to act all smiles and laughter.

i'm not as strong as wat ppl think.

i crumble easily.

this time without any support.

everything will probably end.

2005-08-19T21:59:00.000-07:00

booie.

felt tat my blogg is veri sadistic and pessimistic. if u r happy dun read on. if u r feelin pissed the more dun read coz i'll make u more pissed.

actually i duno the above 'u' takes for hu. i mean who ever come here.

feeling down.

for the past few daes liaox?

there's so many so many stuff. so tired.

yeah my anti-sociality again wor.

juz feel so tired and sick of going to sch or even staying at home. getting along with ppl is hard. tiring. realli pei fu those hu r so popular and sociable. i can't even get along with my family. let alone frens. my mum hates mi. my sis finds mi irritating. seldom get to see my brother face. and i'm tired of the old vicious cycle everidae in sch. for ppl like mi, it's almost like 'vying' for frenship like tat. like once u relax u will lose ur frens. ppl will find others and so on. yeah. it seems rather true tho.i'm juz so damn freaking tired le. everidae is a torture. muz pretend tat i'm veri happy like tat veri siao. one thing i dawned upon is tat nth ever lasts. not kinship. not frenship. so wat if we have been thru years of sch life together. so wat if we have been thru a lot of experiences b4. nothing NOTHING lasts. but nvm. anywayx. odd number is always bad. and i happen always to be the odd one out. i always feel tat ppl are juz fu-yan-ing mi wen they tok to mi. like blahx, blahx, blahx, and many many many more.i feel so lonely...even wen my class is so bubbly with energy. like wat ms huda sae the real loneliness is not wen u r alone in a quiet place...it is wen u r in a noisy crowded place and find tat u haf no one to relate to. got so much things inside mi. wan so muchh to pour everithing out. but for a moment. i juz stared at the wall. there's no one i can actually turn to. ppl are all busy with their other frens.perhaps it's my bad irritating perosnality. perhaps i'm isn't sincere enuf. perhaps is i'm too boring. perhaps... i duno. and around me are ppl who are sooo popular. walk everywhere oso got ppl they noe. in class oso so busy. and me? dun wan to continue this cycle. everydae going to sch is a dread. juz so damn tireddd.

yesterdae was a chao ji ap day for mi. i decided to remain silent coz suddenly in the morning, i juz got so sick of the 'competing frenship-trying to find ppl to talk' thingy. no matter how hard i try, even if there is hui bao, it won't last long soon. everyone will juz leave mi eventually. anywaex perhaps partially i got a biggg headache starting in the morning. ate 2 panadols and it don't seems to work much.so i got even more irritated. went to GO and the receptionist told mi to rest first den c. so i can't realli go hum. didn't bother to squabble with her. went back to class. felt even more sad. everyone is toking to everyone else except mi. so i decided to fake sleeping. and i duno y i juz can't control my tears. lucky thing i sit in the front and no one saw. i mean who will notice mi anywaex.

den todae was even a worse dae. got o level eng oral. i tink i sux terribly. it's definitely much much wors than my prelims de. n i dun tink ms huda gave mi a A for prelim de. every1 were discussing happily after the oral. and they r like so gooddd. i guess i realli freaked out at that moment i answered all their qns with a few dumb lines onli. din even link to anything else. the worse is tat todae de isn't tat hard nor tat easy. the feeling is juz like dui bu qi myself. i'm so useless. there's so many so many pts tat i miss. i should go hang myself lahx. didn't realli wan to show the face tat i'm realli sad to my classmates. i tried to behaved normally lo. coz i tink they alreadi think tat i'm a stupid nerd. even the noisy ones bside mi oso becum so quiet now. apparently i'm juz a bore to them.

kinda ashamed of myself. i tink i realli underestimated the prelims and overestimated myself. i haven't started studying yet even tho i c so many ppl mugging over the past few daes or weeks. tot it was like last year.totally forgotton tat i'm sec 4 tis year, i got 2 years syllabus to cover. got many many papers to study for. and it's IMPT exam of life. and i tink i can't do as well as i have done for the previous years. realli feeling the stress now. can't imagine wat will my mum sae and do if i scored badly. wat will ppl think? my relatives? those ppl hu tink i'm a nerd? my siblings? and myself. i'll probably be damn disappointed and ashamed of maiself.

and at this pt of time i shouldn't be actually bothered much by personal prob like frens and stuff. yet i spend my day, wasting time, locking myself up in the room, and start pondering y ppl hate mi, y i'm so friend-less and break down. guess breakdowns are gonna be so frequent for mi in future.

i dunno wat to do.

feel so helpless.

perhaps i'm an insecure person. make a bad soulmate. a lousy friend.

perhaps i'm such a borin person. so irritating. so useless.

perhaps my tis post will make ppl hate mi even more...

perhaps... perhaps ...

i dunno how long i can hang on longer.

i'm juz so tired.

off to dreamland. probably is where i find mai peace.

2005-08-13T21:03:00.000-07:00

booie.

long time no blogg.

bahx. yesterdae went long john to eat and discuss history essay stuff. finally type the whole essay out. long time neva do seq seriously le so kinda lose touch le. bahx.

after tat spent the whole night off writing autograph books. lolx. i'm bad at designing lahx. and the entries before mi all so special. pressure sia. so spend a lot time on it lohx.

todae quarrel again. it's like my life can never have one day of peace.

life suddenly seems so meaningless. study ur teen years off. work your life off till the dae u die. wat's the point man.

feeling angry?! feeling depressed?! i duno. for a spilt second. i totally forgot wat i told myself. i began imagining the impossible again. it will never be mi. glad i woke up in time. took bout a few minutes? bahx. a few minutes' of bliss. a lifetime of emptiness.

haha. at least now i know the truth. the reality. not deception. not self-cheating.

i ott i adh laerayd notgortof. i ylalre idd. tub ywh ma i os lusssee. i tahe yelfms. tahe yelfms orf ton bale ot rogtef uyo. ti si os smiebelar.

no one understands mi.

nothing lasts.

nothing is real.

i feel so useless.

a total failure.

hate my life.

hate me.

2005-08-03T17:43:00.000-07:00

booie.

ahh. hafing a serious muscle ache around my shoulders. gosh it's hurting like mad.

hmm. feelin so tired. hmm. it's a long dae with geog and chem test and the stupid maths lecture. yup the maths lecture. promise to dedicate one big paragraph to it.

MATHS LECTURE. it's totally a waste of my time. 3 periods. duno exactly y i'm so pissed. maybe it's bcoz i'm totally clueless bout the whole chapter right from the start coz the teacher is totally downright useless. or simply i hate the way she teaches. eeks. eeks. all the questions i totally onli juz copy and copy and endless of copying. at this rate i'll probably fail this topic. HELPPPPPPPP! -pissed off-

i think i juz sux like hell. i'm making a lot of ppl feel bored and irritated. perhaps ppl like ba zhang and the frens around mi. drifting away to my one person's island.

i tot i left it all behind. ALL. i tot i've redempted. i tot i have let down the burden. but how wrong can i get. it always, every single moment present and weighing in my head. especially todae. how stupid i was to think tat she was smiling at mi la. she probably still hate mi to the core. tho perhaps i still bear some enmity for i-oso-duno-wat-reason le. i duno if i had the wrong idea bout her b4 but one thing for sure the situation will never change for the better. and i shouldn't be so stupid and think so optimistically. anyway for the other parts of this heavy stone in my head, i have nth more to comment le. it's juz nothing but tiring, headache and pessimistic thoughts for mi. so many a times i tot i'm okayy le. perhaps i still pissed. at myself. at others. i duno. all in all life is just living hell for mi.

feeling terrible nOw .....................ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh........feel like ripping apart my pillow!!!!!!!! breaking all my pencils and rulers!!!!!!!!!!!!!! crash the moniter on the floor!!!!!!!!!!! knocking my head against the wall!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i hate sch. i hate my life. i hate THE teacher.

most of all i hate myself.

2005-08-01T21:45:00.000-07:00

booie.

tired. scared. roller coaster ride todae ah.

hmm. todae big event ---> da feng chui. poor liwei nu er gotta sit with ny. but thinking of the bright side around her still got kenneth, hongjie and shawn neo to help her control him. hahhax. li wei jia you ah! mi changed place but still sitting first row =( and sitting beside a ba zhang. baHX. hahax. hope it turns out well bahx. -cross fingers-

hmm. todae got maths lecture in avt. oh my god la. i was xtremely grumpy and pissed thru out the whole lesson. duno wat she is teaching la. teach until so fast. it sux lo. bahx.

ohh. todae got 3i food fair cip too. hahax. french fries. ~heaven~

yeah. over the weekend mi cut muai hair. =( tot it's rather not bad until todae go to sch. BAHX. ppl sae it's weird and funny. sighx. give up hope liao la. made a new spec also. budden onli can collect either tml or wed. duno yet. new color new shape. hope it's not WEIRD. eeks.

slept mai afternoon away. duno y feelin so lethargic. having running nose and itchy eyes too. bahx bahx bahx.

duno y run out of things to sae le. budden i feel like i got so much to pour out. got so much tears to gush out. got so much screams to yell out. so much burdens and troubles to let down. got so much things to fade away. i duno. i duno. i duno. it's like there's no more warmth in my life. no more comforting hugs. no more life. i'm juz a walking zombie or perhaps a robot. nth more than emptiness, a tinge or sadness, anxiety, worry and everything tat's bad. bahx.

den there comes in the issue of studies. bahx. duno. feel so much pressure. haven't touch anything yet. really NOTHING. but my spirits is so low. so low till i dun think i can't do anything but rot at home. maybe in the future got the time machine. transport mi back to the past. the simple olden days in old old times. women juz stay at home and take care of family. isn't tat much simpler. den my brother can juz go plough his field. and life will not be so complicated. yay. -_____-'''

take me away. i miss you daddy. sorry.

2005-07-29T18:03:00.000-07:00

booie.

todae watched the lee xiao ming film. his film quite nice la. juz a bit RA for tat birthdae de. lolx. wen watching the jiao dian duno y juz can't control my tears. wat his dad sae juz reminds mi of my dad. he's oso so strong. a true fighter. anywaex wish xiao ming a speedy recovery. fight on!

bahx. had a veri weird dream yesterdae. quite 'scary' in a sense. my heart hurts wen i woke up. wonder y. haha. budden judgin reality think the dream was rather true except is more exaggerated in a evil way. bahx. dun wan to think. -numb-

bahx. i feel so cheated. &*^($Q^@&()&@$)(*%()*@*$+

-breathe in breathe out- feel beta. forgotten all the bad things and the evil poks.

hmm. will be busy once my aunt cum. haiX. sianx. probably stay till veri late de bahx. -____-'''

got bored juz now. watched a vcd --- casper. cutex. but i forgotton tat got harry potter to read. aiyayaya.

bahx. tat 4 seconds. noe it's mi thinking too much. but holding on to this slight bliss in my own fantasy and imagination probably is the only nice thing todae tat can lighten up my sadistic mood todae. even if it's deceiving maiself again.

hahax. todae was feelin rather terrible. but feel veri shuang wen i gave ms fang the black face. she's so naggy. feel veri bad to anita n denise. mi kept so quiet todae tat i din reply anita much wen she ask mi stuff. SorRy!

anywaex. gosh. my mum bought a new mirror. penGx. and i nid to help her fix on. PenGX! i'm not a guy. bahx. budden gotta give it a shot. bro not at hum. and the bathrm will probably look weird with a mirror missing. hahax. bye.

随著时间枯萎写了一个完结篇

2005-07-28T20:20:00.000-07:00

booie.

lolx. i'm so tired. juz reached home. miss half an hour of tong xin yuan. bahx. haha. but it's worth it la. went to east coast park todae after afternn lessons. got felicia, sophia, mei hui and jerrold. so ke xi denise and pau can't go. kinda fun la. rode bicycles. hahax. i'm the only one who dunno how to ride a bike. so useless rite. haix. so rent a double seater de. spohia and jerrold took turns to help mi. hahax. cycling is fun i realise. the wind blowing in ur hair is so shuang. hahax. budden got rain a while den got THREE mosquito bites. =( a very fun experience tho. budden a bit out todae. coz they all so close. den i'm like got nth much to tok to them de. so i juz concentrate on peddling. hahax. wonder if i'm a pest. oops. anywaex, i'm determined to learn how to ride a bicycle. who want to teach mi???!!! ahhax.

hahax. i duno y but i chao ji slack in my studies le la. even with my mum scolding and pressure from people...i juz can't get myself to study. bahx. weird sia. budden wan to do well this yr lehx. wanna go tjc or vjc. -cross fingers-

i'm veri sorri. that these daes i'm rather eccentric. with some mood swings here and there. there's juz some things on my mind. duno how to sae out. will u listen if i wan to sae? juz scared tat i piss off like i'm such a problematic gal with so many problems like family and blahx blahx every few daes. i'm juz so troublesome. sorry for my coldness. forgive mi? bahx.

anywaex. yesterdae got maths lecture. 5 classes together in auditorium. was lokking forward at first coz come on there's AIRCON and COMFY seats. lolx. budden very sad to say it's kinda disastrous for mi la. coz is miss fang who is teaching us and she's going super duper fast like a chew-chew train la. oh my god la. i'm totally lost and my pencil box keep dropping. sitting dere for 3 periods oso makes mi want to juz doze off, not to mention the muscle aches lo. bahx. hope we can juz change teacher!!! wan ms koh!! hahax.

yesterdae went eat pizza hut too. oh my god. the curry rice. yummy yummy. delicious!!! hahax. and the lady very good give mi free upgrade from soup to salad. hahax. den went to library and den ntuc to find my lao ma. as usual there's lots of FOOD haha and i bought a new blue file. wen i reached home, i spent 2 hours plus to look for pixs to decorate the coverpage la. hahax. now got a huge collection on spike's, tatty bear and mashimaro's pictures le. =) lolx. den packing my super duper thick file neatly nearly cost my life. took like ages lo.

hmm. tml got tat screening on the ex-dunmanian guy's video. thinks he's veri ke lian and we shld realli help him bahx. budden it's like there's so many charity thingy going on la. i juz bought the ndp collar pin from py. den still got the national day charity fund thingy for the disadvantaged. not to mention the not long ago sch fund collection. i'm going broke le. tho i dun look broke. it's like my mum put quite a lot money in my wallet. budden i dun get to keep it. i'll juz spend the money i nid to spend den she wil take baf the rest at the end of the dae. (tho she'll keep asking if she realise i spend too much) den the next dae she'll top it up. and the cycle goes on. so basically i can't keep secret money. lolx. anywaex wateva i stash secretly will ultimately still be spent on my fast food la. haiX. anywaex. dear ex-dunmanian muz jia you.

bahx. nowadaes i dun get to see my hp once i reach home. lolx. coz my sis will take it away and use. and she will del my msg carelessly. stupid bimbo la. i tink i onli use 100 plus sms lo the others is she use de. haiX. budden my plan got 900 free so my mum ask her to use mine to save money mahx. evil pok. and my hp keep off-ing itself. so irritated. tsk tsk.

recieved a msg two daes ago. hahax. onli todae wen i was clearing my inbox den i noticed. hahax. but i noe it muz sent wrongly de la. coz i totally dun understand wat it's toking bout and it's a long lost number. hahax. i shall not think too much bout it since it's not for mi. lolx. lala.

ooo. a new month is cuming. excited. haha coz it's supposedly the last mth we will change our seat. tho i actually slowly getting used to my present seat but a change will be nice. coz i dun like sitting in front where miss fang voice is so loud. and i can't secretly eat or slp. lolx. hope i am not the sui one tis month. -cross fingers- hope i can sit with someone nice. like mummiex! =)

okie la. i'm gonna go watch jue dui superstar le. last night oh my god. onli JUNYANG sing well la. hahax. he's terrific. tonite got the girls ones. looking forward to kelly's performance. JIA YOU!

aim tonight: at least read to pg 200 of harry potter 4. my speed is going slower and slower. hahax. harry potter rox.

Twin Pix of the daE`:

2005-07-26T19:19:00.000-07:00

booie.

for goodness sake. i'm so damn unlucky and pissed todae.
first thing in the early morning the big rain came and woke mi up. den my mum woke up too. got a big damn fight with her. she started to pick on mai everything la. my studies. my hair. the time i reach home everidae. wat i read. wateva la. i hate it wen she used all this against mi. den she said something reali damn sensitive and overboard. got so damn angry tat i slammed the door and went out without my waterbottle. bahx. can't take it le la. wa lao. den juz now she saw my geog testpaper. den she was criticizing mi in a veri harsh and suan way. was so freaking pissed and hurt lahx. i got passed lo. wah lao. den she was going 'y u so stupid. can't get the highest'. !!!!!!!! wat she wan la. freaking woman. i'm gonna go bonkers any minute. i hate her!
den in the morning go to sch was veri pissed. i'm sorry tat i was veri cold and ap. bahx. realli can't get maiself to tok. was preoccupied with something she said. shed a few tears. den after tat i decided it's time to have my pretence on again. and the 'gossiping session' during chinese did help to lighten my mood a bit. bahx. yeah. was trying to smile the whole way thru the dae.
den aftersch went to parkway den tjc. was veri tired by den. budden wen on way home got a little foul mood again. bcoz at the thought of going home and face tat stupid person makes mi sick. but at least dun nid pretend tat i'm happy. it's kinda stressful and sick to keep acting tat i'm alright. but i can't realli piss all my frens off all with my bad mood in one dae rite. wat can i do. quite heavy at heart tho. didn't realli get it off mai chest. no one realli ask bout it. it's like no one cares la. but nvm la. uesd to it le la.

still feeling pissed and damn sad. but tat person is screaming again. bahx.

gtg. bye.

突然累了

2005-07-24T21:02:00.000-07:00

booie.

gosh. there goes my plan for trying to slim down. ate fast food -- kfc and burger king for the 2 impt meals of the dae. eeks. tink there's sumthing wrong with mai body lo. ppl sick logically shld lose sum weight. i grew fatter. tat dae i went swimming after tat also gained weight. dun tell mi is osmosis. HaiX. this is bad.

lolx. is tml racial harmony dae? y suddenly so many ppl ask mi bout ethnic clothings. hahahx. dun tink i'll wear. dun haf any. =(

bahx. tink dhs is getting 'weird'. duno how to describe. the mood in sch is juz juz...so slack?? teachers dun really show us the urgency for o's and i dun feel it maiself either. i dun even when is the first dae of prelims. bahx. but so many ppl keep telling me tat prelims is cuming and tat i shld start preparing. Budden……… aiyaya. I oso duno how to xplain. Is like I KNOW I gotta start revising le. But I juz CAN'T do it. I dunno wat to do liao. perhaps the old mi is hardworking. But now I duno y I changed to a lazy useless slacker. for example tml got maths test. now is 9.00pm liao and i haven't start studying for it yet. spent the dae quarreling and reading fanfic and playing neopets. haven't even done finish my homewk yet. i'm so scared. wat am i turning into??? in front of ppl i am like i heck care like tat. ya to some degree most of the times i realli dun care but at times it's like i suddenly got enlightened and start to worry bout studies. i duno is i worry tat my mum will be angry and my dad disappointed if i perform badly or tat i will disappointed and worried for myself. is there a way to control myself??? have a hunch tat after i blog finish it's either the tv or music, not the books. i duno how to control maiself. -scared-

wen the flame stops burning darkness prevails.

but maybe i belong to the darkenss. the lonely abandoned realm.

2005-07-23T19:35:00.000-07:00

booie.

another week has flown past. it's finally the weekends. =)

hmm. tis week is relaxing yet pressurizing. >.<>

hmm. happy happy kelly got in for jue dui superstar! hahax. if she's out den i dun wan to watch liao lo. Jia yoU!

lolx. in the past i tot reading harry potter very ma fan. y dun juz watch the movie lo. but now i'm hooked onto the book! hahax. finished the first 2 books le. the philosopher's stone and chamber of secrets. spent the whole dae trying to read finish the 2nd book in a dae lo. hahax. looking forward to the third one. gotta read faster till the sixth one!!! harry potter rox!

yesterdae went to tm. wahahahx. got pasar malam there. should have seen my xing fu de expression lo. hahax. spent six bucks solely on food. wahahax. i'm a big glutton. ohx den there's oso a choc fountain. hahax. so cool. and delicious. -drools-

feelin slack todae. hahax. maybe coz i've resting and relaxing for the whole week. woke up at 1 todae. went to download the dance video and mtv for 'reach out for the skies'. the national theme song this year by rui en and taufik. they sing nice! hahax. the video onli teach the chorus part onli. most likely the sch will show us next mth. lolx. spent my dae learning that few moves. 4 sets of 8 counts. fine. i'm slow. >.<

looking forward to tian long ba bu todae!!!!!!! qiao feng (xiao feng) ! ahhhh! so shuai. got small eyes!!! =) ppl with small eyes are cutes. but so sad. one week onli can see once.

haiX. trying to pester my mum to go tm. all right not only becoz of the delicious yummy food there now. wanna her to go c handphone with mi. den maybe maybe lucky lucky she will buy one for mi! hahax. hope tml she'll go with mi. it's either tm or she will pull mi to kembangan to go see a new building apartment openhouse. coz my mum last time lived tat area. but of coz no money buy la. she's juz KAY POH. lolx.

feels so lonely. even tho my class and surroundings always like so lively and noisy it's like i dun belong there. feel so out and awkward. especially in a group. feel like i got nothing to sae. m i destined to be alone foreva? hate to be alone n my thoughts running wild. but sometimes i tink tat's wat destiny have in store for mi. a life of loneliness. everyone has someone. i'm juz so xtra and irritating. tink even my family oso think so. everidae face my mama n 4 walls at home. sis went to bf house. bro went to work and went out with frens. mi n mai mum most likely 90 percent of the time will spark off a quarrel. no one wan to tok mi. bahx.

go aniticipate my tian long ba bu lo and eat my peanuts~

shall start on reading the harry potter fanfiction!

byeee.

2005-07-14T21:46:00.000-07:00

boooie.

slpy slpy. juz finished writing my m'n'ms book. spent 2 hrs. wrote 9 pages. hah.

i'm juz extra extra extra.

life is all lies. pretence. fake.

i'm juz a loner. loner. loner.

i'm tired tired tired.

no one cares.

wateva i do is useless.

i'm sick of trying.

nothing is real.

surrender to the cruel fate.

let it lead mi to the end of my road.

2005-07-13T21:45:00.000-07:00

booie.

long time no blog le. was busy these daes. n wen i come online too lazy to blogg liao. hahax. OHhH. n sorrie bout my taggyboard. duno wat's wrong with the server. i tag oso cannot. ahyayaya. going to change new one soon.

veri tired now. reached home at 7.30pm. miss a bit of tong xin yuan. =( my shoulders hurt. and i have two blisters on mai foot =( it's torturous. n i'm slpyyyyyyy....! nevertheless i won't slp early! hahax. coz got TV! nice nice tv. now watching charmed. later got the channel u de 10pm show. yeah yeah!

sianx. life is getting stressful. with so many stupid tests every week. give mi biggg headaches. speaking of tests i'm so pissed. coz i spent all mai time studying higher chinese and ignored my maths. and then most of the chinese questions are mostly from the textbook. in the end i flopped my maths la. din do some qns. now alreadi deduct 10 liao lo. die la. =( but nvm. be optimistic rite?! it's not the o'level. lala~

hmmx. wat's so interesting bout this week... let mi see...
MONDAY! got sci quiz! hahax. mi, felicia and pau in charge of sec ones! hahax. quite a success i guess. lolx. get to skip a lot of lessons too. hahhax. sec 2 and 3 oso quite good. as for sec four de sci quiz....eh...no comments. poor mrs har almst exploded. hahax. anywaex. thx mrs har for her m&m! i'm on the dark side..muahahahx...
TUESDAY! ermx. nothing special i guess.
TODAY! aRgH!!! took height and weight...oh my gosh! i'm FAT. lolx. but one lucky thing is i am 1.60m now!!! finally! grew by 0.5cm. hahax. but still overweight la. =(

think there's something seriously wrong with mi. probably my hormones level. get veri excited and very depressed very easily. and my moods change without warning. dun tink it's due to studies. tho partially may be the stupid tests but duno y now still dun have tat urgency bout o's yet. so i duno wat's wrong with mI!!!! argh. dun like to show ppl the 'black' face...but can't help it. juz feel veri empty and i-wanna-be-quiet-and-ap and veri depressed feelin..which is veri bad!!! HELP! n SORRY ppl if i offended ya...

my sis sae i'm hopeless liao. blahx blahx. . . . . .n i keep thinking ppl hate mi. perhaps it's a fact.

okkay.. my 10 o'clock show starting alreadi. go watch lo! see tat peng-sir and madam! yang guang and keren! got irritated by the keep-jamming fanfic webby. guess too many ppl readin. shall read another dae. sayonara~

ahead of mi i can only see darkness. will anyone be there as my shining star and guide mi out of it? no one will. i know.

2005-07-03T01:51:00.000-07:00

i'm scared.

not another one leaving mi.

please no.

plz.

2005-07-02T21:47:00.000-07:00

booie.

got distracted again.

read fanfic from 5 plus to now. 4 plus hours. quality time that can actually be used to do my homework n study. feeling guilty stricken. arGHhhhh.

missing...

2005-07-01T22:58:00.000-07:00

booie.

woohoo. todae's youth dae. hahax. got celebrations in sch! DunmaNiaN iDol! loLx. quite fun lo. zw rox. of coz from 4i mahx! anywayx the winner li ke oso sing veri niceee. at least i tink he can sing an jing beta than slyester lo. three cheers!

den went to tm with zf, crystal and heex. ate kfc. went to c phones. so ex. n i took a whole lot of pamplets home. hhahax. bought ching hui's prezzie with zf. went popular. bought the potato chips dere. pengX.

reached home bout 5 plus. slp the evening off. den woke up to watch tv. lalaala~ n the whole dae is almost gone. of coz a lot of time was wasted on eating too la. ate so much junk stuff. tink i'll explode soon. can't help but keep eating. eating can keep mi from thinking too much. hahax. wen ppl r troubled they starve. i envy them lo. y m i the opposite lahx. argh. eat eat eat.

watching jiu wu zhi zun now. last episode lo! cutes cutes.

todae lulu said something. made mi think a lot. tsk tsk y din he say earlier lahx. bahx bahx.

feelin scared bout everything now. realised tat i'm veri far back in studies now. n the dsa thingy is making mi lose all my confidence la. even tjc oso neva rep. tink i sux la. juz a study nerd tat i got nth to offer. and now i'm rusty at all my subjects le. n i keep slacking. yeah it's probably the duno-how-many times i've saying i wan to change my slackness. n ppl think i juz like complaining. but honestly it's juz scary... to lose control of myself. everidae i tell maiself i wan to at least complete mai homework. but there's so many temptations and distractions like the com (this blogg too), the tv, music, food, going out,day-dream,slp blahx blahx. and i juz can't resist them. y m i so useless... feel so lost... tink i'm getting the jitters alreadi.

dun wan to be go all 'crazy' and excited over it le. dun wan keep harping on something tat is alreadi gone. dun wan to keep giving maiself false hopes, n feelin heavy n depressed in the end wen i realised it's juz my wishful thinking. dun wan to keep thinking it's a big big deal in mai life. dun wan to keep feelin tat without this my life will never be complete, feeling like there's something seriously missing. dun wan to suddenly cry and blame myself for everything and start daydreaming.

i dun wan. dun wan. it's so tough...

but i juz can't stop. juz can't...

2005-06-30T22:36:00.000-07:00

booie.

todae is a much beta dae than yesterdae.

my contact lenes listened to mi. -.-
miss huda din come. (hope she's not sick) we end up watching white chick. wahahahx.
mrs tan came in late. woohoo we get to slack a lot todae.
went to ntuc to buy potato chips n ate a lot. wahahahx.
reached home at 6. got my new sim card.
now using a old model of nokia 3330. its battery is heavy. it keep offin itself at any slight shake. but at least it's a hp. can use mahx.
and i start received sms that are yesterdae's NOW. veri lag lehx.
used the com for hours. duno y i was glued. munched on potato chips, fruits n icecream. fatttt. ouch.
read a nice fanfiction. then went to do the physics paper. left a LOT of blanks.
tml is youth dae celebrations. wahahax. gogogo! we must win the bet with lulu~ hahax.

but is still not a veri good dae.

quarrels. Quarrels. QUARRELS.

lalala~

but at least the day started nice. ended nice. =)

h b~

tink i recognize tat's my cue to leave. to exit from the fairytale.

i realise it's no longer mine.

lalala~

i'm scared.

of sch. of home. of myself. of everything.

2005-06-29T18:39:00.000-07:00

booie.

baddd dae. baddd badd dae.

bad luck ahHhhhhHHh!!!
first in the morning my contact lens juz refuse to obey mi. almost late.
second my hp is STOLEN!!! ahhh. tat stupid thief! i always put my hp in mai bagg de mahx. no one sms mi. y carry along rite. den todae during pe lesson someone stole it. ahhhh. tat idiot dumbo cheapo shameless thief!! even took away my sweets tat i put in mai bagg lahx. wat an idiot lo. haix. todae still saw a rainbow lehx. hu noe so badd luck. haiX.
third kinda flopp my chem test tho it's not tat difficult. was preoccupied with my loss of hp.
fourth got a HUGE scolding from mother. i'm deadmeat.
fifth got a serious headache. ate two panadol. and i dun tink they worked.

oh well.

does it bode something bad?

is it a way God trying to tell mi wat i plan to do is wrong?

wateva. i duno.

realli sick n pissed with my life. things isn't going veri well no matter in sch or at home alreadi. n now this. argh. argh. argh. i probably haf no more peace.

i have set so many limits alreadi. each time i delude myself pulling it back n back. perhaps now it's alreadi the time to abide the deadline and stop. i duno how i'm gonna go about with it. but i have to. or else life will be too much for me to take anymore. y m i so useless...

i realise tat my blogg is veri pessimistic. but lucky not many ppl comes here. will not make others depressed.

lost. empty. torn. shattered.

it's the end.

ahn-nyong-hee ga-se-yo.

2005-06-24T03:00:00.000-07:00

middle of the night.

everyone is aslp in my hse.

after the big world war five.

once again.

the only thing i can turn to is my com.

seek a electrical invention for consolance.

once again.

this keeps recurring.

wen will it stop.

tat woman.

i did mai best.

i accompanied her out.

wen the other 2 ppl were busy with their lives.

tried to keep her spirits up.

n all i get in return?

a beating with her ruthless cane.

pullng of mai hair.

shouting n screaming in mai face.

her punches n kicks.

n she still said tat we were the cause for her madness n violence.

obviously she had forgotten the 15 over years she had gave mi.

the life i have been through.

yeah she had tough times.

but yet she forgot the the tough times she put mi thru.

witnessing fights everidae with knives and brooms. leaving the house. sleepness nights. slaps and kicks. from young till now.

n she ask mi y we can be so violent too?

n she claimed tat she did the best for us?

to subject us to such mental n physical torture?

be it now or in the past.

the stinging sensation on my legs.

the pain in my scalp.

the swollen eyes.

they all tell mi tat i can neva escape this living hell.

the living hell tat had worsen all these 15 years.

my sis suffers same fate too.

but at least she has her dear n frens.

everytime i try to enter her world.

there's always a invisible barrier.

tat tells mi tat blood is not thicker than water.

n tat i'm dispensable n insignificant in her life.

here i am.

seekin consolance and calm from a computer.

in a world of no kin n fren.

If god realli exist.

y will he punish a girl.

to be born into the colourful world.

onli to be deserted and abandoned by it.

experiencing the darkness and loneliness of life.

i duno how more longer i can take it.

how much longer i can tolerate.

how much longer i can deceive myself tat the world has not abandoned mi?

how much longer i can pretend n ask maiself to smile again.

how much longer stand the fact tat i can onli cry out my pain to the com.

how much longer i can control maiself from the final breakdown.

from the time i have memories of this family.

it's always bout violence. betrayal. fights. quarrels. cruelness. tears.

n the only figure tat can make this life tolerable is no longer there.

perhaps i am the luckiest out of the three.

to be born the latest.

but my tolerance can neva be compared to theirs.

i may sound fierce. i may look strong.

but hu actually noes tat i'm vulnerable.

hu actually realli cum to tok to mi after my onli pillar of support is gone.

hu actually noes about the tears i shed wenever i tink of him.

i guess i can't blame them.

they have their own life. dazzling and wonderful life.

hu will actually stop and notice the sister they left behind.

the sister hu is trying to be strong.

but little they knew.

the more tis girl pretend.

the deeper the scar gets.

the more pain it gets.

but they will never know.

they probably tink i'm juz an unreasonable irritating pest.

sometimes it hurts to know.

how cum i'm born with the absence of the natural instincts tat ppl should have.

the absence of the ability to juz leave a slight impact on ppl's life.

the absence of the ability to juz gain a little recognition by my kins. my frens. the world.

the lack of chance to experience a normal complete family warmth.

the lack of strength to face up to facts and get on with life.

dun understand y did god created my existence.

an existence tat even i myself despise and detest.

i duno how long i can cling on to.

cling on the tiny little bit of strength n faith tat's left in mi.

i'm juz so tired.

so pain.

and i have no idea wat to do.

i'm lost.

i'm trapped in a world tat abandoned mi. a family tat deserted mi.

like now. i'm juz all alone. crying. indulging in self-pity.

juz alone.

alone.

2005-06-22T20:32:00.000-07:00

booie.

todae did flag dae at parkway.

lolx. filled one can. can no. 1643. hahax.

quite fun. met good n bad ppl.

learn a lot.

next time i'll donate to others coz i noe it's hardwork.

it's a niceY gooD experience.

XcepT!!! for one stupid woman.

a stupid vendor. eekS.

anywaes glad can do a part for charity! =p

after tat went to paya lebar to return the cans.

went to singapore post dere.

bought new pens. colourful. hohoho~

ooo. todae oso bought chocs from watson.

yay! nice white dream choc. (yeah i'm an unhealthy girl with unhealthy diet)

hmm. guess i wasted another dae again.

actually wanted to go do the chem paper de.

but ACCIDENTALLY on the com.

and i end up reading buffy fanfic.

2 hours.

41 chapters.

lolx. highly recommend: 'Cruel Concealment'

e story is not cruel lahx. have a nice nice ending. not veri sweet tho. not much spuffy. but it's veri thrilling n exciting. hahax.

tis is bad. holidae is ending. it's WEDNESDAY alreadi.

arghh. haven't touch a tweeny little bit of revision. coz my homework is still HALF-DONE onli.

tink i'm getting slack. yeah. in the O-LEVEL YEAR?! i'm gettin mad...

god help help.

everidae i tell maiself 'tml muz pia homework horhx!' but every morning i wake up i neva obey lehx.

tsk tsk.

y m i devastatin maiself.

tink i've changed a lot. for the worse. getting slack.

feel good wen i'm tortured.

wan to get old self baf.

but where am i?

-blank-

yeah. guess i'm too dumb.

shouldn't tink so much bout it.

it will neva be mi.

i'm the worst of the worst people around.

ppl will probably puke wen they c mi.

forgotton.

deserved it.

oh no. mum's going mad.

luckily is not the same 'madness' as the past 2 daes.

this time is the 'happy madness'

hahax. coz there's MANHUNT tonight on channel 5.

she's so xcited.

wahahhax.

lame.

yeah. go watchh charmed le.

i'll juz rot my time off.

n soon i'll rot too.

sayonara~

2005-06-21T00:37:00.000-07:00

booie.

full. bought pizza home. from giant. ate one big one all by maiself. wahahax.

then ate a big pack of cheezels n chocs.

yeah. i muz be damn pissed.

of coz la.

tat stupid pig.

how can i be so stupid.

eeks.

punch! kick! slap! slaughter! masscre! wateva.

oOooOo. tml got cip at parkway. flag day. hahax. my first time doing flag day. will it be fun? -hope so-

life is a dread. in sch. at home.

how nice if i have a potion to keep people mute so that i will not hear their high screeching horrendous voice.

ooo. changing bloggieskin soon.

if only u can say a hi ... ...

2005-06-19T23:56:00.000-07:00

hapPy faTher's DaY

2005-06-18T21:52:00.000-07:00

booie.

relatives juz left. haix. tis probably gonna be a loonngg post i guess. my heartx feel so heavy.

todae is eds farewell dae.

assembled in sch early in the morning. was hafing amazing race as first part of farewell. mi, denise and yee tien group 1 --- WinKy!!! places mainly in parkway. lucky we have DENISE!!! hahax the parkway pro!
first stop was the playground at parkway. took TAXI dere. the dumb driver duno how to go n delayed the time la! hahax aniwae the challenge is to get 5 handshakes. got one causuasian little boy so cute. hahax keep smiling and running away. lolx.
second stop was parkway giant. took us a long long time to figure tat out. hahax. had to get a pix of the grape-flavoured mentos.
third stop was the pet shop opp. parkway. lolx. gotta run so far la. hahax. had to act out an animal and find 3 ppl from public to guess. our animal is FLAMINGO. hahax.
fourth stop was at parkway foodcourt. so we gotta run all the way baf. -.- is the eating part. we got the HUGE bowl of meesiam with LOTs n LOTS of chilli! lolx. den denise n tien dun realli eat spicy. so i ate the whole pile of CHILLI. ahhh. hahax. luckily no nid finish the whole bowl. by den lips all swollen liao la. n the chilli is like burning muai stomach. uncomfortable~
fifth stop was the water fountain. lolx. we last grp to finish tat station la. went into the fountain. gotta dance in public for 5 minutes. n get drenched! hahax. fun la.
last stop is audrey's hse. we tot we last liao so slowly slowly lo. decided to take taxi there. coz was veri tired den. hahax. den lucky lucky the driver tis time is CLEVER n FAST! we got there in time. was the second last grp. hahax.
reached audrey's hse. mi, crystal, heex, zf, denise, yee tien and von went to the baby pool. hahax. played with the waters. got ourselves all wet. in the end dun care liao we juz soak ourselves in the pool. wet inside-out. hahax. nice place to meditate actually. lolx. after tat the other ppl also got attracted to the pool and began to play the 'throw-each-other-into-the-pool' game. lolx. poor wq especially. lucky by den i alreadi squeezed-dry liao and enjoy the air-con in the function room.
blahx. blahx. played games. watched the skit by sec1s! sooooo cute! hahax. i'm chew chew train. lolx. esp san peng. so comical. he'll make a good actor next time. after tat was sec2s. hahax got a bursting balloon session and jigsaw making. n the sec3s make us play musical chair. lolx. fun.
den the sec 3s held a pagaent. hahax. results below:
eDs chio-bu: li qiN!!
eDs shuAi gE: elbert
mr cuckoo-sumthing sumthing (forgot liao -.-): muthu
miss bird brain: claire~
mr true-blue (i tink): matthew!!! (our eds role model)
miss true-blue: wai lumn!!!
the unsung hero: von
den the juniors gave us our souvenirs: cup filled with canadies and one FISH (not in e cup la)! thx a lot!
after tat was comm. handover le. matt made his speech. blahx blahx. den every1 cheered for matt. was kinda touched though it wasn't for mi. dropped a few tears. coz realli saw the great efforts tat matt put in for eds. realli wan to thx him here for making my memories in eds so wonderful and nice by making eds'05 such a success. THX!

end of report on eds farewell party. hmmx. duno y kinda sad n heavy at the end of the whole thing. yeah mostly sad bcoz eds life for us gonna end le. so much memories. but was partially sad bcoz the atmosphere wasn't 'sad'. penGx. wat m i toking? the party was nice. activities was fun. the whole thing is great. but it felt more like a eds gathering den a farewell party to mi bahx. or put it in another way it's kinda different from wat i imagined. actually got a lot of things to sae to them before we leave eds. like recap the past or sumthing i duno. but in the end din realli get to do so. but maybee i shouldn't blame it on the atmosphere bahx. should sae it's ME. dun realli haf a lot of frens. dun realli mix with the juniors usually. so i dun tink they will miss or even rmb mi bahx. as for our level, yeah we know each other. but dun tink i make ani impact in anione's life. i'm perhaps juz a hi-and-bye person to them n perhaps occasionally tok to mi for the sake of courtesy. yeah. but gotta thx them for letting mi tagg along usually so tat i'm not tat left out.
it's juz tat wen the whole party end. gotta rush home coz got relatives coming. felt tat i dun realli haf ani1 to bade goodbye to. not the juniors. they probably dun wanna come close mi. coz i seldom tok to them. our level oso. i c every1 toking to one another. some hug. some cry. den i'm juz alone standing there. staring at the carpark. kinda sense of loneliness grew in me bahx. hate this kind of feeling. ppl probably won't miss mi or rmb mi. yeah. but i noe maiself la. a boring n irritating. not much to entertain ppl. it's no surprise no 1 like to be close to me.

anywaex the thought of leaving eds is kinda saddening. eds is one of main things tat make my sch life not dreadful. there's so much things i have to thx eds for. rmb wen i was still in lower sec i was kinda xtremely nerdy quiet idiot. with dull boring life. it was eds tat brought some colours into mai life. n of coz i gotta thx eds for letting mi know so many wonderful people and bond us together. like denise, crystal, yvonne, zf, heex, wq, yeetien, matt, claire, wailumn blahx blahx. though i juz a small insignificant figure in their life, but to me, they r all veri important. will rmb them 4eva! n muz thx eds for the memories it gave mi. the dance practices. the SYF competition. eds nite. eds camp. blahx blahx. list goes on n on. realli dun wan to leave. i will miss eds a lot. A LOT.

eDs rawKs foRevA! i luv edS!

as for another matter. after much thinking. think i'm too stupid n dumb la. was tinking too much yeterdae. hu will actually care about mi. i noe myself. i'm juz a insignificant cheapo dumbo. u probably won't get the wrong idea coz i dun even deserved to be noticed. n u probably won't c this post coz my blogg doesn't worth the effort to read. i duno wat i toking la. headache. sighx.

i'll juz go on eating spree with my potato chips n biscuits.

so slpy. last nite onli 2 hrs slp. early in the morning raining. den 6 plus got wedding den downstairs so noisy. the bridal cars keeping honking.

ZzZ.

2005-06-18T02:15:00.000-07:00

booie.

tml eds farewell. suddenly feel so lost n empty.

juz packed finish my secretary files for tml.

went band concert todae.

reached home at 1035 to catch half an hour of jiu wu zhi zun.

was very sad. like a knife stab into the heart?

stuffed myself with lots of choco doughnuts. (stuff maiself with food wen extreme sadness)

verge of vommiting.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

can't get to sleep. once i close mai eyes. the pain juz come.

+ tis'll probably not be acknowledged. maybe i tink too highly of maiself tat someone will actually care. but i juz wanna sae things are not wat they seems. dun get the wrong idea. perhaps it means nothing to u. most likely i guess. but it means a lot to mi. things are realliii not wat they seems to beee. +

~i can never be happy without u~

2005-06-10T16:20:00.000-07:00

booie.

wow. i have slept more than 12 hours haha. coz i woke up at 4 pm todae. hahax. yesterdae sept at 2. 14 hours. whoohoo. hahax. my backache and rheumatism is fa zhuo-ing mahx. hahax i'm an old lady.

yesterdae watched mr n mrs smith at tm. tat show is NICE. got action got comedy. nice. nice. nice. but i still tink the wife is beta than the guy. hahax.

let go~ let go~ let go~ la~ la~ la~

2005-06-08T18:04:00.000-07:00

booie.

having been reading fan fic for past 3 hours. hahax. there's one whole list of stories tat r uncomplete. tat's irritating. hahax. some of them r gross. hahax. but sweet. nice.

guess now i gotta go do my english compo lo. the first one. stupid mass media thingy. haiX.

feeling sad~ sad~ falling~ falling~ tears~ tears~

2005-06-07T15:17:00.000-07:00

booie.

i missed buffy AGAIN. coz day b4 went parkway got home around 9 plus. den star world was showing BUFFY!!! eeks. now is baf to the axn blahx blahx channel i tink. soBx.

tink i broke my record for eating junk food yesterdae.

bahx.

shouldn't leave my imagination run wild.

what is fact is fact.

i dun care.

in fact i shouldn't even tink.

amnesia.

i'm a loneR~ loner~ lonely~ lonely~ alone~ alone~ la~ la~

2005-06-05T19:15:00.000-07:00

booie.

yesterdae aunt came muai house. till bout 1plus in the morning. dead tired. coz i was the baby sitter of the dae. my dear cousin is sure super duper active and energetic. lolx. n she's violent. gave her snowman to play. supposed to hug rite?! neh..she prefered stomping on it. lolx. n she's onli 8 yea old. but she can wear my shirts tat i wore in sec1. lolx. hahax. but she's cute la. grow up surely da mei nu de. hahax.

din't know just merely reading a book can make one feel so happy or sad. borrowed a buffy novel which is super thick (shuang!). read till the middle part. i cried. it's veri touching..but nearing the ending i was so pissed off. hahax. coz the characters are getting ap. lolx. but the story still ended well with a tear. tink it's the onli novel i'll read and can affect mi so much.

stressed...........................................

tomorroew is monday!! ONE WEEK IS GONE! n the onli thing i have done is 2 maths assignemnt and 1 emaths paper. others haven't do!!!! getting damned stressed. n my mum everi dae is fussing about dsa thing..photocopy this...fill in that...go here go there. in fact tommorrow tink going down to vjc to send the form coz my mum is scared tat it will get lost in mail!!! she's getting on mai nerves!!!!! *breathe in breathe* okk..back to topic. yeah. tink the 1 month is barely sufficient to finish mai homework. can't even study. and dunno y suddenly my family-n-relatives so active. every few daes got some outing. n i gotta go. bahx. n i got other appointments preset liao like movie, band concert blahx blahx. is bad to cancel it.n there's projects, meeting with teachers for tat sci thingy, cca blahx blahx. oh shucks. i gonna die. die. die. so much homework. ahh. ahh. n the biggest prob is i KNOW i got a lot of things to do n TIME IS RUNNING OUT but my mind juz can't react accordingly. n pressru is cuming from all directions. esp my damn mum. hu keep harping on my dropping grades. even wen i cry in front her. she still continue insulting mi. had enough.

wat will you feel wen someone ask you to go six feet under the ground. under the soil. and never return? and tat person happens to be your mother?
i'll pray tat i've neva been born. coz i dun wan have a sucky person to deliver mi to earth.

LIFE IS HORRIBLE!!!! I CAN"T TAKE IT!!!! but i won't cry. not in front of her. of u. never.

God take me away.

please.

2005-06-03T13:00:00.000-07:00

booie.

surprise i woke up so early todae. (12.30pm)

feelin veri pissed n angry now.

dun ask mi y.

i oso not sure.

and my stupid flu is not making mi feel ani beta.

seriously nid to getta of hse.

go somewhere to scream.

should have take up taekwando classes.

there can have some violence.

argH! arGh! argH! ArGh! aRgH! arGh! ArgH!

i'll pay back. double. idiot.

can i?

dun tink i can honestly.

i'm not tat li hai.

eeks.

i shld juz drop dead.

argH!

i can't take it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-06-02T23:30:00.000-07:00

booie.

hahax. today went sch to meet mrs har. kinda lame la. actual presentation is on week 1. todae juz ask us amend stuff. bahx.

handed in application to tjc todae. finally a load off mai mind. hope it's okayy. -cross fingers-

ohx. n finally this afternoon the preview channel got cartoon network!!! hahax. waited veri longg liao lo. but duno y onli afternoon. so sad. nice time watching. haha. dumb woodpecker. hi-5. blahx blahx. i'm feelin childish. lala~

neva knew i can stare into empty space while hugging my bolster for so long. hahax. was tinking bout mai life. which is so empty. so lonely. so sad. tsk tsk.

duno y i'm like tat. maybbe i'm stubborn. once a scar foreva a scar. hahax. dun wan it to be like tat. feel so remorsed yet can't control my diaoness everytime. tsk tsk.

enuf of tinking ne. hahax. i'm happY in deluding maiself.

am i?

hahax. i wan to watch a lot of movies. hu wan to go??!!! call mi along. hahax. like monster-in-law. mr n mrs smith. blahhx blahxx. i wan popcorn! lolx. (but no star wars. hahax.)

relive the moments.

i dun like sad endings. tsk tsk. sad ending = bad show. hahax. i dun mind old-fashioned happy sweet endings. hahax. bad scriptwriter. frustrated!
but nvm. felt beta after reading fanfic. so sweet! -melts-

i melt a lot lately. muz be the scorching sun. tsk tsk.

hmm. lost all my links after com is sent for repair. all the lyrics sites. haiX.

tat lao shu ai da mi song quite cute ne. hahax. esp her album. so many diff version of the same one song. lolx. zhang shao han oso not bad.

feel veri philosophical suddenly. or more exact nonsensical. hahax.

y do ppl like fairytales? perhaps they can find their shelter. from reality. from truth. where they can delude themselves. can fantasize a nice ending. there in fairyland. no pain. no hurt. no troubles. no confusion. no sadness. onli bliss. everything goes what u wan them to be. everyone can fantasize the impossibles to be possible. sadness to happiness. cool.

so i say. FaIryTaLes roX. faN fiCtioN rox. tV rOx. hahax.

hahax. tink i'm a more fairytale-y person. i dun fit reality. too wrong for it.

moreover. to be a hermit crab. ability to fantasize. techique of self-amusement. reaching the highest level of self-delusion. is important. hahax. mi.

bye. blog. hi. fanfic.

2005-06-01T19:05:00.000-07:00

booie!!!

yay! my com is finally baf!!! woohooo~ happY haPpY!

hmm. the first thing i got baf my com is to make new blogskin. hahax. duno y. juz wanna change something new. this skin used 2 hours complete de. part of it is tribute to EDS!!! lolx. coz this yr eds night is fairytale mahx. hahax. pls the moment i saw this blogskin i fell in love with it. wahahax.

okkaayy. holidae is here. yay. 1 month. but actually i prefer going baf sch. ahyaya. won't feel so empty n tired then. lolx. have been rather busy since the start of holi. shall recount. yahOoOo~

FridaE (27 MaY o5)
hmm. got spring cleaning in sch. ms fang so bad la. i n denise got help out in class painting lo. den she sae we din. so a few of us gotta clean the classrm by ourselves. hahax. though tiring. it's fun. i take great pleasure in cleaning my classrm k. hahax. the worst part of it is that we gotta scrub the floor. manually. without a mop. lolx. my whole skirt was wet. chinghui too. hahhax. thx some of the others hu volunterred to help! =P 4i roxx. hahax. as long got our class anyhting is fun lahx. wahahax.

SaturdaE (28 MaY 05)
hmm wat happeN??? for a moment i forgot. hahax. mi bad memo. i tink..i tink..i went EXPO. hahax. for the food fair. is soooooooooooo crowded. but is not badd la. went with mai mum n bro. onli 3 of us we spent like 50 plus bucks. hahax. ate laksa, satay, hotdogs, ba gua blahx blahx. oh n the ba gua is so cheap. hahax. 500g $10 onli. hahax. i'm a glutton. yummy.
den there got bookfair too. actually tot see see jiu hao. budden oh my god. they have a whole big collection of buffy novels. i went mad. hahax. stayed there for like 1hr. searching for the best few coz mai mum sae onli can buy a few. yay! bought all that got spike's face on it. hahax.

SundAe (29 maY 05)
went to pau's house to do Sec 1 science quiz with felicia. animations are juz so headache. but happy tat the certificate we designed using adobe photoshop actually look nice. hahax. tat's wat we think lahx. oh. pau's mama cooking is nice. thx for the lunch.
den after tat went home. went to tampines with mum n bro again. hahax. went shop shop. good.. hahax.

MondaE (30 maY 2005)
basically spent the dae trying to dig out all mai past certificates for tat dsa thingy. stupid tjc ending date is this friday. so sad. make mi rush like siao.
went to cut hair!!! tat stupid hairdresser. hmm. tink behind cut about 3 inch. tat's alright. but my fringe!! eekx. she kept saying she wanna trim straight den bcum soo short. think i look like a guy. like p5 tt time like tat. haiX. dun laugh!!! hope it can faster grow!!!

TuesdaE (31 maY 05)
hmmx. went to sch specially to find mr chew for the cca record. got f9. hahax. coz got error. now changed le. got a1. heex. actually nine onli budden duno from where pop another point bcome 10. heex. mr chew veri funny. lolx.
den went find ms fang n mr ken for testimonial letters. mr ken is nice. at least he wrote a nice short letter rather than ticks. hahax. =P

wednesdaE (1 junE 05) --> todaE!!!
there's comm. meeting in sch with the teachers. mr ken is funnY. think i kept very quiet. hahax. duno lahx. oh. sec 4 farewell is on 18 june. looking forward. hahax. anywae. den com is back. yay!!!

end of report. whahax. tml got meetin with teachers for tat sci quiz. actually quite nervous. got gotta run thru whole thing. hope it proceed smoothly without a hitch. =p

i going to hug mai com the whole dae. missed it so much. shall blog like siao. wahahx.

hmm. acutally wanted to write looonngg entries for eds n 4i. budden think tat wil be another dae. it's kinda too early. hhahax.

got it. shall crapp about my latest craze. spike!!! hahax. can't believe i 'fell in love' with a 43 year old guy. hahax. see below -->

Birth name: James Wesley Marsters
Date of birth: 20 August 1962
Location:Greenville, California, USA
Height: 5' 11" (1.80 m)
Minibiogrphy:
-->Is left-handed.
-->Won the Sexiest Male Vampire Award at the Nocturnal 2K Convention in London, England. [July 2000]
-->After appearing in several guest roles he finally got his big break as Spike in "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (1997). Originally the character was suppose to be killed after a few episodes but Spike became so popular that he became a regular on the show.
-->Fronted a band called Ghost of the Robot. The band's first album, "Mad Brilliant," was released in February 2003. After two years, he dissolved the group to pursue a solo performing and recording career. His first solo CD, "Civilized Man," was released during his sell-out 2005 European tour.
-->His favorite Buffy episode is "Once More with Feeling".
-->Has one son, Sullivan (born in 1996), with ex-wife Liane Davidson.
-->Has two siblings. One older sister (Susan, born 1960) and one younger brother (Paul, born 1964).

shall add a photo next time.(though you all are very bored by the time you read till here)

mi go eat dinner lo. bye.

~mY fairYtaLe dreaM~

2005-05-25T19:10:00.000-07:00

juz reach home.

waiting for dinner to be heated up.

todae interclass game. match with 4B for 3rd/4th placing. we lost. 28:31. but nvm. i believe our class is better. the guys did veri well too! hahax. jonathan was great! hahax. his shooting skills veri li hai! didn't know he can play so well. heex. kenneth oso veri sei. hope his leg injury not serious. :) anywaex, as usual, the team was great!!! :) luv 4i! though we got 4th, 4I always first in our heartx. =p

but still gotta admit a bit sad la. neva knew tat i can get so sad. neva knew i can get so enthu into a class. perhaps ppl dun think i'm enthu. but i AM. hahax. 4i is the best class i ever had. reality juz hit mi tat this year is sec 4. SEC 4! last year alreadi. after this year. most likely will be separated. think most of them wan 2 go vjc. i most likely wan tjc. juz hope we can cherish this half a year left. 4i jia yOu!!!

sec 4. last year. suddenly dun think dhs is tat bad afterall. guess i'll miss a lot of things. friends. teachers. memories. places. everything. n oso eds. feel sooo empty these daes. gotta cry veri hard during passing down in late june i guess.

dun think got enuf time study geog. i'm gettin slack. duno if some ppl sae i hypo or fake. but it's real. i noe o level is aproaching every minute. but i getting soooooooooooooo restless and not concentrated on studies. still so sick inside mi. everytime i wan to put mai heart to study. i either fall aslp or my mind will drift to soemwhere else. it's always like tat. so sick. argh.

todae isn't a veri smooth dae anywae. got so sick. pissed. hurt. angry. sad. dying. over so many thingss. mixture of trival things and serious things. i duno. dun think got mood to study geog anyway. feel like crying. somebody gotta lend mi shoulder tml. feel so tough trying to keep the tears inside.

to Zhan Hao: HappY birThdaE!!!
to 4i: 4i is the best class i ever have. three cheers for 4i!!!
to PrestOn and bball team: cool!!! u guys r sooooo pro! mai new idols! hahax.
to maiself: tis time i'm not bluffing. i do wat i say.

2005-05-22T21:30:00.000-07:00

booie.

yesterdae cs concert was nice!!! like the dances and xiang sheng a lot... the dramas also quite gd..but i tink the endings quite abrupt... hahax. continue with the great work!!!

this afternn quarrelled with my mama. for like one two hours. haha. throat went hoarse. so to make up to her. mi suggest going out for dinner lo. surprisingly my brother oso wan to go. hahax. has been soo long since my bro eat with us outside le. too bad my sis working at tony roma todae. wahahax. ate porridge, wu xiang, satay blahx blahx. FULL. tat hawker centre i few yrs neva go le change a lot. a lot of yummy things.
after tat went to mcp supermarket. as usual. i bought a lot of junk food. wahahax. but maybe my fav spot these daes not supermarket le. is HAWKER CENTRE. hahax. i've changed ne. not much of fastfood lo. (though KFC still quite frequent) hahax. dun like supermarket. saw the m&ms feel sad. saw the milo feel sad. everything there seems to be able to evoke a lot of memo. hahax. so supermarket is a BAD place wor. hahax.

looking forward to tuesdae. interclass! hahax. exciting.

fanfictions is nice nice nice. saw another story on buffy n spike. whoosh. cool n SWEET. hahahx.

suddeny feel tat Angel is like mi. a vampire with a soul. feel so much... ... wateva.

hate being alone. dun like the silence. dun like the scenes creeping into my mind.

missed the warmth. really do.

doubt i can ever feel the same again.

there's so many things getting on my nerves. feel so grumpy.

waiting for ru hua to start. maybe it will make mi laugh.

feel horrible. ahhhhhh.

how cum same name can differ so much.

haix.

wateva.

u n ur big mouth.

argh.

damn. haven't do homewk.

tml going out. (yay! grandma's hse)

i wan to go to the beach.

feel like leaving.

pissed.

y u r sooo... ...

felt betrayed again.

ok. i'm feelin sianx.

it feels so helpless n frustrated. to know tat this year is an improtant year. i should be studying hard like i used to. but the problem is i'm NOT. my mind my logic my senses tell mi to studddyyy. but i juz can't. i can't. i can't even finish mai homework. tis afternn i told myself todae muz finish all homework. but i haven't done any yet. my grades r dropping. dreads. my mum is scolding mi like everidae. but here i am locking maiself in room listen music stare at softtoys watch tv read fanfictions blog. hellppppp. the feelin is like dropping into the pit n there's nth to hold on to. like u noe u r turning bad but u can do nothing to stop it. like someoneelse is taking control of my bodyn mind and the only thing i can do is to watch how i waste my life off. wat crap of having dreams. to do well. to reach my parents' standard. oh man i sux.

oh. now no ru hua. is hua zi. hahax.

cya.

2005-05-20T19:40:00.000-07:00

booie.

tired.

was reading fanfictions for the past 3 hours. hahax. duno y liek addicted liao. i onli read those on buffy the vampire slayer. hahax. typical mi. n of coz onli stories on buffy and spike. they r sooooo cuteee. they shld haf a happy ending.

bahx. mum giving pressure about o level. i noe it's cuming. but i juz can't bring maiself to stary preparing for it. instead i'm slacking. i haven't touch my bag ever since i cum back. help.

it occurred to mi tat u neva wan to c mi. c-ing mi may be even someting irrtating n eeky. it hit mi hard. but i'll grant ur wish.

watching a-wang. hope there's a good ending.

feeling frustrated. headache. despair.

dun feel like doing homework.

dun feel like studying for test.

can't stand a-wang n peijun together,

ohno. i'm crapping on n on.

i'm out of mai minds.

i'm dead.

off to mai tv.

later got vcd serial.

tv is good.

wan to watch finish.

total 8 discs.

jap show.

cya.

2005-05-19T23:30:00.000-07:00

booie.

yeah. second time blogging.

can't get to slp. been tossing around in bed since 10. argh.

i wan to zzz. sleeP!!!

but i juz can't do it.

shall accompany the lonely com which is left open since 7 plus wen i reach home coz if i shut it down juz now my brother can dream about using it later.

hearing lin jun jie. watching his mtv. lalala~

it seems like ages since i touch tat bk. the cover is like a million tonnes of lead. so heavy. took mi so much effort juz to flip open the first page. there's onli 4 pages filled with words. n the notebook is no much bigger than my palm. but it seems like hours to get my eyes off every single word. they seems to be crawling their way to my heart. burning my heart as i read on. melting. it hurts. i neva add any thing to the bk b4. todae is the first time. but wat's the use. it's overdue too long. juz toooo longggg. not even the different weather n storms can make any difference.
but no matter wat how much it stings mi how much it hurts. the bk is still one of the most impt things. every time i flip it open seems to be the first time i'm reading it. with tinge of happiness. yet overwhelming with regret n sadness. juz reading it may be torturous. may be tough. but i will. i will. till the day i'm released from my own jail.
it is juz so ironic to be jailed in my own jail. i m the one who created this damn jail. yet i'm trapped in it maiself. all by maiself. the other convicts have all escaped and gained their freedom.

for a moment i tot i realise a small little reason of my depression. it is conscience at work. as well as reality. harsh reality. people's views. people's thoughts. i feel condemned to the eighteenth floor of hell. never to be saved or freed. i feel despised. i feel ashamed. i feel tat ppl tink tat i'm sux-ky. which is the truth.

shucks. now my heart feels so heavy. y is it always b4 i slp. deep in the night. then i get all these weird brainwaves. hmmx.

tml will be a long long dae. sat will be a longg daee too.

gotta slp le.

shall coax maiself to zzz.

will i dream again?

will i dream of the fairytale?

can the fate of the fairytale twist like a x^2 graph?

neh. i doubt so.

cya. nitex.

`~qUesTioN of tHe daE~`
CaN promisEs tAt r brokEn bE menDeD? caN proMIseS taT r BrokeN bE forGottOn? caN pRomisE breAkEr bE pArdOneD? caN promIse breakEr'S viCtIm fORgiVe?

++ reality tells mi ur answer is N-O. guess we think alike. ++

2005-05-19T19:45:00.000-07:00

booie.

HapPy BirtHdaY ZhaNg FaN! :p

juz reach home.

stupid rain. stupid stupid raiN!!! once again owing to the baddddd weather, interclass got postponed again!! arghhh. eeekx. happened twice liao lahx. pissed. so sad, kinda addicted to watch our class guys play bball. hahax. coz they rox lo! especially kiak meng! hahax. n the others too like xk n zw. hahax. play so well. lolx. not 2 forget er zhi kenneth. lolx. realli hope the interclass will not be postponed to too late. or else not fun le. 4i JIA YOU JIA YOU JIA YOU!

stupid rain oso make mi n my mama stuck at ntuc for so long juz now. bahx. but nvm. mi get to eat a lot at the hawker centre while waiting for the rain to stop. wahahahx. -fat-

hmm speaking of fat. yesterdae mi was packing photo album. was lookin at mai baby photos. i m soooo chubby. wahahahax. i'm cute wen i'm young. haix. how cum i grew up to be so eeks. tian ah!!! HAIX. den showed denise mama n pau my pri sch choir syf pix. hahax. they can't recognize mi. LOLX. :P
was kinda sad coz i realised i dun have any complete family photo. no memories. haix.

saw something todae. eeks. duno y wenever i c this thing i'll get damn pissed off, angry and even scared at once. argh! it sux. living in the shadows of this thing for so many years is juz so idiotic-ly frustrating. argh. y is this thing living so well. argh.

nvm. noe a lot of ppl dun like mi. though i used to tink we r on not bad terms. tink it's mi daydreaming. bahx. -speechless- sad.

been hearing a lot of songs these daes. lin jun jie rox!! hahax. jay zhou too! hahax.

~藉口~
翻着我们的照片想念若隐若现
去年的冬天我们笑得很甜
看着你哭泣的脸对着我说再见
来不及听见你已走得很远
也许你已经放弃我也许已经很难回头
我知道自己错过请再给我一个理由
说你不爱我就算是我不懂能不能原谅我
请不要把分手当作你的请求
我知道坚持要走是你受伤的藉口
请你回头我会陪你一直走到最后
就算没有结果我也能够随
我知道你的痛是我给的承诺
你说给过我纵容沉默是因为包容
如果要走请你记得我如果难过请你忘了我

~一千年以后~
心跳乱了节奏
梦也不自由
爱时的绝对承诺不说
沉到一千年以后
放任无奈淹没尘埃
我在废墟之中守著你走来
我的泪光承载不了
所有一切你要的爱

因为在一千年以后
世界早已没有我
无法深情挽著你的手
浅吻著你额头
别等到一千年以后
所有人都遗忘了我
那时红色黄昏的沙漠
能有谁
解开刹那千年的寂寞

~莎士比亚的天分~
刻在树上的字任风刮
写著爱一个人的故事
但是文字还是文字不算话
想送给你的第一束花
想陪你的黄昏和沙滩
随著时间枯萎
梦醒了才后悔我
是一个没有勇气的人
带著小小年纪的天真
想你一定是不敢转身脸上微笑
心舍不得
我没有莎士比亚的天分
写出我们的喜怒哀乐
但在这一个刻
写了一个完结篇失去了你

ok. a-wang is cute. shall continue watching. cya.

~feeling mixed up n frustated. i hate the broken promise. i hate my memo. i hate i hate i hate!~

2005-05-16T20:45:00.000-07:00

booie.

juz reach home. i'm so so so so tired. i stink eekx. n i'm soo hungry. but hu cares. blog first!

today interclass. guys against 4f first. they r SOOOOO cool. hahax. they won. budden they lost in the match against 4e. it's alright. there's another chance tml. against 4a i tink. GAMBATE GUYS!
girls played agaisnt 4g. lost 2:1. nvm lahx. i'm proud of everyone. all so pro. i played in the first half. sorry if i didn't perform well.
4I JIA YOU!!! 4I ROX!!!!!!!!!! GO GO GO!!!

despite being so hyper todae (coz i screamed till voice hoarse le), there's still things tat r juz not mai way todae. shall not tok bout it. it's juz so sucky. so eeeeeeeeekkkkkkk... argh. i wan to forget bout everything! AHHH!!!

n mai dumbo mother kept pestering n nagging bout tat dsa thingy. she's getting on mai nerves. n mai stupid idiotic com keeps hanging. this is the third time i retyping this post liao. argh.

anyways. 4I jia yoU! no matter wat happens. 4I is the best class in mai heartx! :)

okiee. i gotta go bathe. coz i'm feelin so itchy all over. n my stomach is rumbling. i wan to EAT!!! hahax. bye.

`~wen occasion arises. wen the truth reveals itself. wen reality is juz in fornt of mi. i realized i'm not tat impt after all. totally not at all. i'm juz so easily forgotten n replaced. or perhaps from the beginning i have no place in ur life to be replaced. forget.~`

2005-05-15T00:50:00.000-07:00

booie.

juz reach home. eds nitex '05 *adacadabra* is over...

guess both afternoon n evening show was rather okay. the evening show is around full house bahx. n the audience were cool for both. thx for coming eds nitex...

thx puiyee ngan ching pau wilson shiyi for flower. :)

tink the whole was great lahx. out of all. MATTHEW ROX. he can act sOoOOoo well! n sooo cute. hahax. my mum n family oso tink so. ooo. n mai mum sae liqin veri pretty. hahax.

the heavy rain haven't stop. rar. feelin damn tired. from 7 to 11 plus in sch. bahx. shld be going to slp soon. but b4 tat since my com managed to on surprisingly so decided to blog. feel tat if i dun blog i probably will die of grief or explode...

the show was fabulous lahx. n i wasn't. everyone else were great. i did quite a few mistakes in the indian dance. pissed ppl off. sux at drama. blahx blahx.
felt so empty todae. i shld be happy actually tat i got flower(5). at least beta than last yr (1). budden is kinda inferior tat during intervals... ppl r all busy running about meeting frens n classmates taking flowers talking. n i'm juz like floating around pretending to be busy. so i decided to hide in the changing rm during interval. juz at tat moment wen i closed the door..my surroundings changed from soo noisy and crowded to soo lonely, alone, quiet and silent. a tear dropped. it's juz rather saddening. like i'll always belong to the lonely side...abandoned exiled there...
den tink i pissed a lot of ppl off. especially one person. mainly at the end of the concert. sorry i cried in front of wl matt they all. didn't want to act in the dead man's play. is not bocz i tired. upset. sick. or wateva. ppl so popular like u will neva understand bahx. i sux terribly at drama.. i didn't wan to like pull down the standard of that play. n i'm so lan at acting. i tink in many ppl's eyes i'm like a boring stupid nerd. n i dun realli wan to like disgrace maiself in front of them alreadi...the comm ppl all can act so well onli me..can see the diff..so obvious..n my role is so xtra..one daughter is sufficient... tat's y i dun wanted to act. it may the last chance on stage. but doing something u r not confident of, that last chance may not be a gd thing either. it juz marked a extremely sucky ending for my eds life. duno wat other ppl tink. y i so ap or wat. get angry or wateva. but if u dun understand plz dun try to force ppl. it's hurting.
after the play, my sis n bf were lamenting how spastic n fake i was while how good others were. den my mum was going' acting wasn't ur forte rite?!' with a watsoeva look. i noe i acted suckily too. i'll get laughed at n poked fun at n looked down upon again.

end of eds nitex. shld be time of joy. finally pull off the concert successfully. ppl were hugging screaming. cool. i din join in. dun tink ani1 notice aniwaes. at least i can console maiself tat it not tat much worse than last year l. rmb last yr eds nitex '04 was rather successful too.. but i left silently too. it's like a feelin tat wen ppl r happy the first ppl they tink of will neva be mi. true for all. but nvm. i'm used to it.

duno y these daes keep crying. there's so much things weighing down in mai heart n mind. but there's no 1 to confide in. there's fear of irritating ppl. there's fear of making others angry. there's fear of being criticised. there's fear of being rebutted n backfired at. fear of being betrayed. so many fear. all i can do is to keep these troubles inside mi. den continue pulling a face. den ppl will get piss off. den watsoeva. i duno.

my life has destined to be alone. i accepted tat fact long ago. juz wanted to try to change fate but it seems rather impossible. with the eds over, guess i'll be expecting much lonely life alone. hu will actually rmb mi. ppl around mi has others in their lives. no one's lives has a space for mi. todae is a gd example. honestly, i m scared of facing this ending, but there's no other way out. fate decrees it to be like tat. wat can i do. i'm losing the patience the courage the strength to contiue acting so open so happy. i'm juz a pathetic idiot waiting for ppl to give mi friendship of sympthay...like donating to a begger.

having mixed feeling. feeling damn pissed n damn sad now. feeling ap.

try having mai life. maybe u will feel even worse than now.

feel like shouting. feel like screaming. feel like hurling vulgarities. feel like bashing someone up.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cry.

2005-05-11T22:00:00.000-07:00

booie.

feeling veri tired. having backache. pain. ate 3 tablets liao. feelin beta. haf dance todae. sorrie i'm late. din rehearse much for indian dance. had soccer prac. discovered tat my soccer still veri lan. bahx. my ball can onli move straight n no other direction. still feelin down. duno wat to sae.

feelin totally no confidence about eds nitex which is about 2 more daes away. i haven't memorize my steps for indian dance. i have a fat idiotic figure tat i got to show. my movements are restricted n ugly. i'll juz tuo lei every1. n pissed ppl away again.

finally 2 tests end liao. think maths is ok. but my chem sux like hell. out of 4 pages onli noe how to do 1 page. bahx.

recently i tot maybe i m not tat insociable no frens. there's ppl hu like mi as frens. but i'm so damn silly. silly. i realise ppl juz treat mi like how they will treat any other people. any other strangers even. just a gesture of politeness. if ppl have the chance to choose i'll neva be on the list. perhaps occasional laughters and conversations doesn't mean anything. so ironic. juz the previous post i sae i wan to cherish all my frens. my frens...? hu...?
rmb yesterdae. during dance. was having backache. feelin quite down. didn't smile. didn't tok. i dun mind no one realli care. dun care if u all sae mi behind mai back. at least dun let mi hear rite. duno if is directed to mi. but was realli damn hurt when i heard it. went toilet to cry. hahax. so dumb. after so many things happened these few mths i neva had a good cry. in fact i didn't cry. out of all places i had a good cry in the dhs toilet n on bus 30. hahax. ppl sitting in front of mi didn't realli notice. hahax. i realli can cry silently man. haha.
perhaps i dun smile. look tired. look pissed. ppl may feel bu shuang. feel y this stupid insignificant woman here is showing mi colour?! she got right mehx?! extra! tink everyone tink like tat bahx. can tell.
after so many stuff i realli only wanted to have friends beside mi. but i guess it's impossible. there's so many times i tot i have a lot of good frens, best frens. it juz turn out to be bluff. lies. i should have learn my lesson two years ago. i will still hear. i will still tok if anyone tok to mi. but i wouldn't dare to confide in ppl. come on. hu actually cares. tink more optimisticly ppl may juz feel i'm irritating..if put more crudely...ppl juz tink i'm a stupid woman who onli noe how to complain to lament so fake so iditoic so wateva. i'm a big fat dumbo who dun haf the right to complain bout being stressed being tired being inferior being scared being sad.
some ppl may complain bout others. but they still get along very well with others. they can joke they can laugh they can play they can go out together. even beta than with mi. perhaps in their eyes i'm juz insignificant. a trash that can be discarded at wish. ha.
some ppl are popular la. they dun nid mi around. there are ppl who r beta listeners than mi. there are ppl who r more helpful more sociable than mi. they are ppl who are more fun more loving than mi. there's no nid for mi. i'm juz so dispensable.
some ppl feel i'm a nerd. study whole dae long. i've changed. i slack. i dun study all dae long. i go out. i try to keep myself updated. but it's no use. it's juz mi ppl dun like about. sometimes y i get so affected by studies. wanting to do well. actually i neva tink far. not about my future. it's juz i sux at cca sux at sports sux at everything. studies is the only thing i can prove my worth. losing grip of it is like being a total failure. but it still feel hurt when ppl sae like ppl like U shld go rj blah blahx...so li hai confirm can do well..blah blahx. it's juz so..i duno..excluding mi..isolating mi away...giving mi more pressure...making mi so alone by maiself.
u noe how tough is it. all these years. i'm trying to be in join in the crowd. n juz joke around. n have great frens to hang out with. but i neva succeeded. some ppl may tink i haf frens. but to ppl i'm juz a passing figure in their life. talking to mi is juz a form of fu yan. not bcoz i'm a fren. can feel it maiself. perhaps in pri sch i still duno wat friendship is about. i juz childishly noe bout study. there's no emphasis on frens. then in sec sch. frens become like an importatn part. i'v e being struggling. so conscious. no 1 noes. it's so pain. everydae juz going to sch. hoping the dae will be fine. hoping ppl will tok to mi. hoping i dun look or behave weird to others. hoping tat ppl tink i'm fine. it's so stressful. so serious tat it can affect my everydae mood.
yesterdae. was feeling beta than todae. coz i still tot i've mai family. but i'm wrong. i'm alone. juz alone. my brother will have betther things to do than care bout mi. my sister will rather go care bout her bf and her frens than mi. my mother is so unpredictable. u noe that there's so many times i juz wanna go out with my siblings or mother n spend a good time together but there is neva one time. it always end up quarreling or arguing. i may argue with them. be sharp with words. i dun feel good after tat. it's pain for mi too. but i dun tink they care either. my sis has a bunch of good 'sisters' and bf. my brother has his frens and gfs. where will they bother. it hurts u noe. it really do. now i'm all alone.
it realli feel veri sad to be alone. a life worrying everydae if anyone will tok to mi. a life worrying if any word i sae will upset anione. a life worrying everidae if my actions will piss anione off. a life without any love n concern. a life onli maiself n no where to vent my troubles. this blog perhaps is so seldom ppl cum. is my onli confiding place.
perhaps in my whole life, there's onli 12 years i experienced a life with love n i felt loved by mai parents. after tat was a period of darkness. a time when the one closest to mi left mi and realised the others close were with others instead of bside mi. i was alone then. facing pain alone. perhaps in my entire life. there's a short period of time where i actually feel tat i m cherished. where my existence is of purpose. i have to thx u. but this period is gone. i'm all alone again. facing the future years in my life without any courage or confidence. feel like i'm dropping into a deep hole...duno wen will i reach the ground...have some support...
i dun like the feelin of abandoned. dun even feel like going to pracs. going to sch. it's torture for mi. worrying about every single thing. no 1 can actually understand wat i feel. everyone has diff experiences in life. everyone has troubles of their own. no 1 can understand mi. juz dun look down on mi.

weird thing tat i took over an hour to type this post. imagine a crying stupid idiot sitting in front of the com typing. agruing with her sister n mother at the same time. reflecting on her past which she dun reali wan to rmb. but juz wan to get this thing she has been controlling inside her for a longgg time off her chest.

perhaps if any one or two ppl hu came to this bogg n read this post. they may think i'm a attention grabber. a person wallowing in self-pity. but i'm not. i juz nid somewhere to relax. relieve stress when i'm goign to burst. tat's all. up to u to believe.

2005-05-08T15:00:00.000-07:00

booie.

to all mamas in the world: HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!

bad weather todae. keep raining. hope it stops soon. going out for dinner later. hohoho~

the superteen thingy seems rather fun. regretted not going. bahx. but as quoted from wiseteen regret is of no use! so nvm. juz take it tat i no yuan fen with superteen. hahax.

anywaex. juz now matt called to ask bout some eds nitex stuff. reality juz sunk in that eds nitex is juz next sat. LESS A WEEK AWAY. bahx. kinda getting worried now. juz hope the performances will be up to standard n things proceed smoothly. guess everyone is stressed out alreadi. on the other hand...i dun realli wan eds nitex to arrive so early. not bcoz of wat. juz tat after eds nitex. it sorta symbolizes the stepping down and goodbye for secs 4 to leave eds le. i realli dun wan. i can't imagine life without eds in dhs. without eds, i will neva be able to know so many wonderful people in dhs. without eds, i will still be a stupid idiot with a monotonous life. without eds, i dun even noe how to live through my secondary life. now i'm sec 4. goodbye is juz a matter of time. there's no nid to wait till then to know wat i'll feel at tat time. without eds life will kinda be sad, monotonous, aimless, dull and LOST and EMPTY. i dun wan...

feelin veri inferior now. realised tat mai way of thinking and thoughts is veri childish. still stuck in like p6 sec 1 kind. i should grow up le. veri pei fu some ppl. hahax. so many..lazy to say all out. juz SOME PEOPLE. they r so inspiring. i hope i can be like them. i realli hope...but i noe i can neva be like them.

i neva believe in future. neva believe in setting goals. neva believe in miracles. i onli live from day to day. neva tink of future. tat's xplain y i'm such a shi bai ze. ppl say set goals for future and believe in ourselves makes life more enriching...more meangingful when u haf a aim. but for mi i find goal setting veri pressurizing. isn't it stressful tat u give pressure to urselves to achieve something... wouldn't it beta to let everything take its natural course? hmm. hard question. but even after attending such camps and c so many successful people as examples..i realise the importance of setting aims blahx blahx...i dun tink i can ever convince maiself to settle down and set goals even though my mind tells mi to. haiX.
i realli wan to achieve something in life...but i dun realli wan to face all the stress and pressure. after some experience..it sorta shaped my mindset tat life is fragile n y trample on it by giving urself so much pressure? no matter now noble r u..how successful...how knowledgeable...how rich...how reluctant to leave ur family...one day you will still be stricken with illness and leave the world. it is juz a matter of time.
n wen sometimes i wan to work hard wan to put in effort wan to acheive goals..this idea will juz pop out of mai brain and convince my mind and soul not to and extinguish my passion or wateva determination i haf. feel so useless and weak at tat point.
there's nth eternal in life. not knowledge. not success. not love. not even family ties. yeah family ties r bloodbonded. parents' love for the children will never extinguish. children's love for parents will not be diminished. love for siblings will not be shaken. but wat's the use. wen one is gone. everything is gone. no matter how much u love them. how much u dun wan them to go and leave u all alone facing life. but nevertheless...family ties shld still be the most cherished thing while we have the chance to. so now...everybody go hug ur papa n mama n say u love them. u won't regret it. :) friendship muz cherished too. i love u gals! hope u all will pardon my wrongdoings :) stuff like knowledge, results, love, success, even money...is it tat impt..? maybe once in mai life i view some as the important part of my life. but now. i feel that emphasizing on so many things in life is stressful and painful. of course i'll still get bothered by results and other stuff to some degree...but i'll reduce tat to the minimum in time. i will. i onli wan my family and friends. may they be happy always. :)

oh gosh. this blog is going to be my crapping place where i crap a whole junk of stuff. oops. okay. not actually crap. coz they come from the bottom of mai heartx. lolx. dun tink much ppl frequent here anywaex so it's safe to crap. hahahX.

cya.

~`i realli dun wan to remain childish and immature my whole life... ... ... i realli dun wan.`~
~`there's some stuff everyone wan to forget. their guilt. their pain. their loss. their regrets. their love.their hatred. their scary experience of being betrayed. the frightening experience of being insignificant. i'm no exception.`~

2005-05-07T23:00:00.000-07:00

juz reach home. so late. i'm feelin lazyyyyy. hahax. n tired. went to the SBL ceremony todae. thx for the help they give to us. budden some of the ppl there quite rude lehx. dun show respect to the ppl in charge and the ceremony itself. shame on them. my poor mama waited downstairs all the way to 5 plus. den we took 32 on a 1hr trip baf bedok. i told her to go eat something nice to celebrate mother's dae den she went to eat beehoon. bahx. nvm. tml i shall pull her out again. den we went shoppin in bedok. LOL. not actually shopping. nth much in bedok anywaex. went to buy some neccessities. walk here walk there. den i make her drink slurpee at 7-11. wahahx. told u it's nice. hahax. all the way to 10 lahx. make mi miss my tian long ba bu. sobx.

i'm gonna make a nice card for my mummiex. since i dun nid celebrate papa's dae liao...i shall put in more effort on mama's dae. hope later the card will turn out nice. -cross fingers-

i'm sorry. is it mi? sorry for being so grumpy. getting on ur nerves. maybbe i too pessimistic. den annoyed u. but sometimes tat's realli how i feel. den juz wanna get off mai chest. so i keep repeating the same old annoying stuff. sorry for being so insensitive too. didn't knew u were so pissed off. think i didn't do mai part of the fren too. show u enuf concern. i always veri absent minded den dun take good care of ppl's feelings. sorry. hope we'll still be good frens. ...

okk. tian long ba bu finish liao. mi muz go rush on mama's card le. byee.

~mai life's a dread. nth is going right. not even the important thing to mi. for instance u.~

2005-05-06T20:00:00.000-07:00

booie.

todae got wiseteen and shine workshop. kinda gay la in the morning. tat mr singapore 1999. lolx. wateva. overall it's okiee la. at least no lessons. went to play football during break. ouch. my toes hurt. :( realli veri pain. sad. i still sux at football la. but tink being the goalkeeper veri fun. wahahax. at least dun nid to run wat. hahax. but one VERY BAD thing is mai shoes r soooo dirty after tat. argh.

reach hum at 5 plus. juz ate dinner. here i m blogging. weird. coz i'm attracted to blogging. OOPS. i'm ADDICTED. like wat mr sng sae! ahyayayay. tis's bad. wahax. jkjk. duno y keep laughin todae though nth realli tat worth laffin bt. muz be mad liao. oh! muz be my stress level too high la. In tat stress evalation, i got 8 categories in high level n 1 in moderate la. BAD. lolx. sobx.

blahx blahx. after everything is over i n pau went to bugis to buy prezzie for mother's dae. haven't buy for my REAL mama yet coz tink sharing with my sis. probably some very practical stuff like FOOD. wahahax. budden i spent like a fortune on the prezzies for my SCH mamas. lolx. my pocket has a hole :( tat's the only bad thing for having acknowledging so many mummiex. LOL. hahax. budden it's worth it la. they r veri good ppl n deserves good treatment from the next generation. LOL.

OH. n at bugis pau recommended mi eat some chicken (oops..i forgot name again) n potato 'biscuits'...so nice!!! hahax, budden the old chang kee not tat nice lehx. duno y the fishballs taste weird. anywaex ate a lot. WAHAHAX. -evil grins-

later gotta go write postcardsto go with the prezzies for the mummiex...love all mai mummiex!!! LOL... tml got some ceremony the WHOLE DAE at some kim yam road or something. aiyayay. kinda lazy to go but haf to go. muz show appreciation for the help they gif. :) think sundae going out to eat. mother's dae rite. LOL. YUMMY~

so eeky la. i put the 6 composition questions in sch. n now i can't do! still got that chij paper 2, maths assignments, blahx blahx. still got tat eeky maths test next week which i haf no time to study 4 and tat eeky chem test which is even more eeky coz i didn't listen to ms goh in class for tat few chapters. die. alreadi flung mai physics and bio test liao la. almost every1 sae they r ok onli mi like dying. bahx.

aiyax. next mon n thurs got eds nite full dress rehearsals. hope it's okayy. ppl muz go eds nitex!!! we put in a lot of effort ah! :)

feelin rather sick todae. rather gay too. rather slpy too. rather wood-stuck-in-head too. haiX.

actually todae the wise teen thingy got that stress questionairee...den my highest was the one on self esteem i tink..17 over 20. very high. quite true actually. rather stressed n troubled over how ppl see mi. i always have the idea tat ppl dun like mi or find mi irritating... perhaps it's true la. i realli duno. haiX. wen some1 treats mi beta a bit i'll get very happy. but wen no 1 toks to mi i feel like super sad n lonely. i'm weird. like i'm always out of the grp. haiX. i'm not good at communicating. n i'm a bore. if ppl can choose they won't wan 2 haf mi as a fren. other ppl are so fun to be with so cheery so active so nice.

sometimes i duno y i feel i'm out of the grp. i duno all the fancy stuff. i duno all the cute stuff. i duno all the latest stuff. i'm juz standing there waiting to give some lame n senseless comments, hoping to 'cold' ppl. so redundant la. it's no wonder i'm so out. i'm so boring. i can't even take maiself. no wonder ppl always sae i everidae cold them onli.

sometimes i wonder y i 'avoid' u. actually nt exactly avoid. but since whenever it started everything juz feel weird. as time passes guess get used to the remoteness le. suddenly quite hard to change back. hope situation will improve bahx. still love doggiez. :)

sometimes i dun even noe maiself. wat i tink. wat i do. wat i wan to achieve. wat i hope. wat i desire. dun even noe hu i m. last time wen i'm in lower sec i'm kinda a nerd. everidae study study. studies still nt tat bad. not much frens. but life is still ok. not much mood swings. now. i open up a bit le. learn to play to go out blah blah. lose my concentration in studies. grades dropping. n i feel so vulnerable to emotions. to mood swings. i've grown weaker. i dun regret openng up. noeing all the wonderful ppl. but i regret not strengthening my faith.

aiyayya. took so long to blog one post. was watching ah-wang... cutes. i luv mai frens. luv all mummiex. luv all doggies. luv all bananas. blahx blahx. HaPpY cOmINg MoThEr'S dAe!

~am i happy or am i not. tat's the question.~

2005-05-05T19:55:00.000-07:00

booie.

tired. my back aches like mad la. two nights slp while hugging my textbooks. LOL. finally both tests tis week r over!!! wahahaX! tml got tat wiseteen thingy. SLACK. lolx. den after tat going out. den sat got some ceremony the whole dae. left sunday to rest n study n do homewk. oops.

todae pe class play soccer. den after sch oso xl, glen n xk oso help the girls to train. i admit i am total idiot at football lolx. so disgraceful lahx. ahyaya. phew. lucky i not in the class team lahx. some of our class gals veri good like HUANG HUAN, PAU, ANITA, CHING HUI blahx blahx!! hahax. gambate for interclass. 4i rox! the guys muz jia you too!!! basketball! hahax. got a few xperts rite? like zw n xl they all. hahax. will cheer for u all. LOUD! :p

*PPL GO FOR EDS NITEX! 14 MAY! in SCH AUDI. 4pm or 7.30pm. $5/$7!!! GET TIX FROM ANY EDS MEMBERS!*

okkie. i wan to go watch a-wang liao. so cute. bye.

2005-05-03T16:40:00.000-07:00

booie.

todae no sch. got syf showcase thingy. our principal is cool. both sessions quite okay la. dunno wat ppl think bout our dance. but to us we rox. lolx. royston came back todae. got a sorta medal for him. hahax. budden on that thingy print wrongly wrote silver instead of bronze. lolx. at least to him our standard gt silver. thx royston. :)

came home at 2plus. dead beat. dunno y dance twice onli jiu so tired liao. muz be getting old liao. lolx. stupid chinese file is getting on mai nerves. trying to find all my hcl ws since an hr ago. but there seem to be hcl ws everywhere. endless. bahx. hope there's no need for content page coz i din do. trying to design mai cover page now. but the prob is i got no chinese software. bahx. after this still gotta study bio. aiyayay. dun care gotta take a short short nap first. wahahax.

life isn't veri smooth these daes. still got tat irritating feeling in me tat i'm alone. wahahax. but guess the diff now is i more optimistic bahx. lolx. take wat's coming n accept it. dun expect too much n u will lose less. yeah. be more cranky n be happy. hmm. duno if cranky is the right word. hahax. my eng no gd. life is still just tolerable. exception during the night. i love and hate it when night falls. whahax. weird.

lin jun jie is cool. so cuteeee. wahahx. n his songs are nice. like 一千年以后. cool. lalala~

hyesung's solo album cuming out in late may i tink. looking forward.

hahas. regret is a bad thing. it makes memory painful and life horrible. hahax. yeah. so y regret?! just like syf it is a great experience. i will neva regret it. like wat royston n eunice tingy sae it's the experience tat counts. after eds nite it'll be passing down time n time to hit the books. i'm veri honoured and lucky to join eds. it's by chance bahx. coz i originally in co last time den switch to eds. i'll neva regret it coz eds is one of the most wonderful thng tat has appeared in mai life. eds rox. as for things i used to regret. duno since wen i actually feel like i dun. tink there's no use bahx. moreover there's a emotion stronger that regrets. tat's hatred. ?! wahahax. jkjk. juz keep remembering some stuff tat make mi shudder tat i got no time to regret. n i manage to convince maiself everytme wen something happens. lolx. wateva. tink i'm changing gradually. to the bad side. till i dun even understand maiself. but duno y like tat i feel beta.

it's a nice thing seeing ppl happy. :) so i hope everyone will be happy. smile always! (oops copy denise mama de ming yan)

oops. think i blogged too long liao. my cover page is like half done onli. coz basically i have no idea wat to do. gotta go concentrate on doing it liao. byeee.

`~ it's great tat something new appeared in your life. n u r so happy now. :) `~

2005-04-30T16:42:00.000-07:00

booie.

todae class painting dae. mi got dance prac so onli can help a while. veri nice! :) 4i rox.

realised tat i'm veri fat.

think there's sumthing wrong with mai gum. :(

still having mai bodyache. n i tink i overstretched my leg muscle todae.

later going to grandma's hse. bahx. tired.

gotta go bathe. after mai mother stop ba zhan-ing the toilet.

cya.

-i've tried mai best todae. u're veri disappointing. ur world consists of everyone but mi. great. coz from now onwards i swear i'll neva care again. i dun think u ever care anyway.-

2005-04-29T21:40:00.000-07:00

booie.

todae is 2.4km run at ecp. fine mai result is still veri lan. budden at least it improved. yipee~ last year i was like number 88...this year is 69! wahahax. happieee.... though i seriously think my timing still not much improvement, at least i din not stop a lot of times. :) i wanna thx the sea. yes the sea. lookin at the sea while running makes mi forget that i'm running out of breath. it keeps mi calm. tat's y i luv the beach. :)

after tat went back to bedok to buy kfc home. den mai mum called n asked mi go ntuc to buy drinks. haiX. so i end up carrying my HEAVY BAG, my HEAVY legs, my HEAVY food, and the 3 HEAVY 1.5litre bottles! lolx. now my legs ache. body ache. back ache. everiwhere ache. :(

i tink i offend a lot of ppl todae. hmmm. dunno. got a feelin tat they bu shuang. :( hope mai instinct is wrong.

i'm sooo tired. tml still got dance practice. hope next tues and eds nite will be a success. :)

watching channel 8 now. feel kinda bored. oops.

after tis i'm gonna ZzZ. i gonna heck everything else aside. unless it's nice tv show. :P

i want to go to the beach. i wan the sea the sand the breeze. everything.

+~DoEsn't-S~+
-don't mention doesn't mean i forget. mention doesn't mean i wan to rmb.
-don't talk doesn't mean i unhappy. talk doesn't mean i'm happy.
-don't look happy doesn't mean i sad. look happy doesn't mean i m not pretending tat i'm nt.
-don't mind doesn't mean i nt bothered by it. mind doesn't mean it's a big deal.
-don't say doesn't mean i'm ignorant bout it. say doesn't mean i know much bout it.
-don't wish u happy doesn't mean i dun wan to. wish u happy doesn't mean i'm speaking from the bottom of my heart.

+ but everyone's different. i noe. wen u dun care. u realli dun care. +

+women are complicated creatures. they dunno wat they think. wat they want. wat they do.+

+frens are wat u need to make life just tolerable. Life itself is meaningless. worthless.+

argh. wat m i tokin. i dunno. my mind feels blocked ever since the run. it hurts.

cya.

2005-04-25T21:20:00.000-07:00

booie.

todae got career guidance thingy after sch. mi got 12 for social and investigating. lolx. actually i dun mind being a farmer. hahax.

after tat went to the sch p.w. bazaar... bought a lot of stuff...a stress reliever (veri kawaii!!), lots of testtubes, pegs, lollipops blah blah... cool. spent bout 6 plus bucks. (oops..)

then went to bedok library with puiyee mummy. borrowed a few vampire-y books. lolx. she can't beleive i so 'violent' n into horror... wahahx. after tat went to comic collection to meet wq to buy tien's bdae present. lolx. choose so long lo. muz accurately spend all mahx. wahahx. hope yt will like it! :)

reach home bout 6 plus. ate dinner. den got headache AGAIN. argh.. gotta rush the geog assignment out. haiX. (now still not done yet...sobx...)

aiyaya...so scared...tml nafa test. my physical is damn bad la. haiX. confirm a lot worse than last year de. DIE. :( sobx.

my headache making mi feel depressed. bahx. -down-

2005-04-24T16:11:00.000-07:00

bahx. having my headaches and giddy-ness again. todae woke up 2.00pm. lolx. seiously tink somehting is wrong with mai brain. my mum sae it's not enough nutrients..ping xue... budden i so fat where got not enough nutirents de.. penGx.

-the world is spinning...-

zZz.

2005-04-23T22:04:00.000-07:00

i'm lost. i'm speechless. i dunno wat to do. i'm alone.

cry.

2005-04-23T21:10:00.000-07:00

bahx. juz reach hum. juz in time for my tian long ba bu. lolx.

juz now went to optician. interesting tat my degre fell. 375 for both. so now my contact lens for the right which is 400 cannt wear la. lolx. nvm. my sis can take over. budden my specs still kinda blurry. gonna change after the sch health check.

went to buy new sch shoes. troublesome coz i nid big shoes. lolx. n the design i like no more stock liao. den the others no more mai size liao. soo...haiX.

den went NTUC to buy food. hohoho~ alot of titbits. bahx. yummy~

veri tired.

haven't touch homework n tests. -scared-

~`i'm convincing maiself not to think. trying to numb maiself. but i dun think it's workin.`~

2005-04-22T20:55:00.000-07:00

booie.

todae the first friday tat i actually haf nothing on after 12.25pm. lolx. it's a cause for celebration. so went out eds ppl to tm. bahx. on the bus i knocked my head against tat dumb dumb metal pole...now still hafin headache. argh! bad pole. lolx. den later went to this fashion to try clothes with crystal n wq. strained my neck?! lolx. i'm fat mahx. gotta squeeze. lolX! budden it's fun lahx. blah blah den zf bought a same type of wallet as mi!! QQ bear. budden hers is blue. mine is brown. lolx. nvm. QQ bear rox~ :)

reach home at bout 5.00pm... ate a lot. lolx. starved mahx. todae two tests. brain exhausted so need xtra glucose. den 7.00pm got the show 'fate twisters' on channel 8. woohoo~ it's the last episode and its ending is sooooo sweet ahaha. cutes cutes.

Quote of the show: 'everyone will go through a dark period in their life. we must persevere on and eventually we'll get to see the rainbow in the dark'

but got how many ppl can actually have the faith n determination to persevere on? -shrugs- definitely not mi. i'll probably just get stuck in the dark. like now.

was typing minutes juz now. and my dumb microsoft word got jammed again. gotta retype. i'm getting fed-up with this com. and wat's more my printer no ink again. argh!

eds nite 'o5 is cuming! excited... budden the practices are a lot again. like mon, fri ,sat?!!! hahax. budden not tat bad as syf la. juz hope my last year in dhs will be a nice one. :)

oh. n todae syf results for eds drama came out liao. drama got silver! :) i'm soooo proud of u guys! u all rox~ :P

strange thing tat i've eaten 2 panadol and my headache is still not gone. ouch... ...

sec 4 life is hectic and tough. i dun think i can handle any longer. i miss my sec 3 life. i miss everything in sec 3. everything...where things are still alright and undisrupted. i'm on verge on breakdown. maybe i will smile. maybe i will laugh. but inside my heart is bleeding. my mind is screaming. my soul is fading.

9.00pm show starting liao. gotta go. tml got dance. hope denise gets well soon. huGx.

~`i feel like i'm drifting around. aimlessly. no peace. when will there be a shoulder for mi to rest on? lean on? support mi? when will there be a hug to embrace mi? assure mi? calm mi? i miss u.`~

2005-04-20T22:05:00.000-07:00

-bahx. feelin sad. damn down. nvm.

-reach home only at 7.30pm. so tired.

-juz wanna wish denise mama a very happy birthdae! :) love ya.

-oso a happy bdae to zhang fan's bloggie :)

+ ~ i'm a failure. everywhere. everything. ~+

2005-04-18T20:32:00.000-07:00

boo...juz went down to central to buy a new mouse. yes. mai mouse spoilt again. bahx. now it is a big ugly grey mouse. HAIX. i wan mai old mouse!!! yah n the on-ing of com prob still exists. this com is bad! real bad!

juz came online to do a special 'proj'. winkX winkX. so might as well cum n blog since the com cooperated and managed to boot up. lolx.

hmm. wat's so interesting bout todae??? are u tinkin wat'm thinking? lolx. yeah...ASSEMBLY. lolx. get to watch a nice nice opera den got special performance by our class's famous guy. wahahax. WAHAHAX. his laughter so 'nice'!!! hahax. cutes cutes. i laughed till tears dropped lohx. :) oops... ... shldn't be so evil. sorrieee... :X
hahas. so i sae among all the periods assembly is the best .of course onli in the auditorium la. more comfortable. lolx.

yeah. den todae got the sci quiz thingy too. i, pau n felicia in charge of sec 1s. lolx. first time being an invigilator. lolx. cutes.

got a bad headache. todae got drenched in the rain.

feelin sad. but i'm acting happi. hohoho~

anyonE wannA go edS niteX??? it's on 14th may! muz come!!! :) --- eds rox ))
p.s buy from mi!!! lolx. or else. hmPh. jkjk.

okie. gotta go start do homewk lo. bb.

~`i dun comprehend. the complicated mechanism of the brain and heart. can u xplain to mi?`~

2005-04-18T00:20:00.000-07:00

bahx. surprising tat i blogged so late in the night. 12.11am. lolx. think coz todae i wokeup at 2.30 in the afternn. slpt for more than 12 hours. so now can't get to slp. AND gotta cherish my com. finally can on. lolx. been tryin to turn on my com since 7 and now den work. HmPH!

juz now was watching the nkf show. quite exciting ne. called once. tink the artistes worked veri hard. three cheers for them! wahhax. was jumping and screamin at hum when the total no. of calls exceeded a million. lolx. singaporeans rox.

now hearing a cantonese song. though i dun noe how to pronounce nor do i understand. lolx. but it sounds nice. wahahx.

hmm. last night had a nightmare. seems sooo long. got so many familar faces in it. damn scary la. not as in horror. but juz SCARY. highlighted to me how horrible mai life is. budden duno y i woke up, feelin different. feel tat my thoughts haf changed. for better or worse? i duno. we'll c. hope tonite dun come another nightmare. bahx.

didn't realli do anything much in the weekend. juz went out, do proj n commentory. din study for tests. feel guilty. juz dun haf the mood to concentrate. bahx bahx bahx.

~+only by forgetting and giving up everything may one achieve peace, true happiness and reach one's desired's 永恒国度+~ =在劫=

2005-04-16T20:14:00.000-07:00

juz reach hum. surprising tat my computer managed to on after trying 3 times onli. wahahx.

todae went to watch pacifer with heex n crystal. quite a nice show. FUNnNY. hahax. i like the peter panda song.

bahx. feelin rather lousy though. even after watching the comedy. our 6 mths of hard work and practices all go down the drain. bahx. i'm utterly dissapointed lahx. everybody's sad. n my mum dun understand. instead of consoling mi she was sooo sarcastic lohx. bahx. no one to fa xie! argh! nth i do goes right. i'm losing confidence in mai life. BAHX.

i juz wan to go out go out n go out. i wan to go to the beach. anyone?

~i miss the hug. if only there is just one more chance. one more. i'll neva let go. living in the memory is wat i can do. coz the person is no longer mi.

~u like to come at the wrong time. leave at the wrong time. last chance poof when
tears flow. ahnyonghe haseyo.~

2005-04-08T22:02:00.000-07:00

bahx. todae got first full dress rehearsal. every1 full out todae. veri nice! lolx. one sad thing i'm too fat liao lo. costume so damn tight. even after alteration. bahx. nvm lahx. evERYbody work hard jia you for syf!!!!!!

[W]hites be strong, gentle 'n' confident {smIleX}
[B]lack be proud 'n' arrogant

-life's a dread-

bahx. guess i'm pissing ppl off with ever-changing mood liao. sorrie ne. not dun wanna confide in ppl. but dunno how to put across. i oso duno y maiself. bahx. i'm getting peculiar. wen ppl bu shuang wo or i'm alone. i feel lonely and sad. one part of mi hate this tinge of pain. one part of mi welcome it. coz at that point i won't be troubled by other stuff. i won't think. n tat's gd. a relief. but i noe i shldn't find relief this way. i'll seek my way out de. :P

i will smile. i will laugh. in front of u.

`~i'm a balloon. juz compressing everything inside mi. wen i can't take it animore one dae. i'll juz burst. gone with the wind. boom.~`

recently hearing simple plain. welcome to my life is nice. :P

+ idiot dumb dumb. dun ever tink it's bcoz of u. u stupid. argh. i hate u. FOREVA. +

2005-04-06T19:25:00.000-07:00

pretending to be someone i'm not.

pretending to be happy.

pretending to be free from all troubles.

pretending to be not tired

all are pretence.

but isn't life all about pretence.

i dunno.

2005-04-02T16:20:00.000-08:00

bahx. din go for dance tis morning. my eyes n ears are swollen. bahx. from scratching. very itchy!!!! now still but trying not to scratch. now neck oso got red red spots le. duno wat's happening to mi. bahx!!! ear like eleplant's ear. eyes r bulging. my face look distorted. bahx. -worried-

bahx. mum hafing gastric. staying in bed. sis staying at bf's hse. bro with his friends outside duno wat time cum baf. bahx. i hafta do all the housework. bahx. feel so tired le. budden quite scared for mama. though she keep scolding mi. (ARGH!) budden her gastric more than a week liao. still stubborn dun wanna c doc. bahx. tink i inherited her genes. hate docs. coz they are EX. lolx. i'm thrifty~

ysterdae was speech dae. bahx. hope the dance was alright. dumb dumb 67 took more than an hour to reach hum. bahx. was scratching like mad liao lo. bahx.

`~hope mi n mum gets beta soon.~` -'i'm invisible'

2005-03-31T20:05:00.000-08:00

bahx. tired tired tired. todae ran 8 rounds for pe. i didn't slack lehx. veri nan de. hahax. happy tat i managed to run finish n passed summore. lolx.

afternoon lesson todae is maths ms fang. supposed to end at 3.20. budden she kept us baf to 4.30pm. BAHX! after tat got our first indian dance prac. lolx. it's fun. budden guess every1 is tired so like nt tat enjoyable. reach hum at 7.15pm. :(

full full. juz ate my 'sumptuous' dinner. lolx. i made maiself. ta-dah! instant noodles plus 2 hard-boiled eggs! wahahax. later shall stuff maiself with more chips n chocs. bahx. mum slpin since i cum baf. dun dare go call her. later get scolding. hope she's alright.

feel very tired. bahx. tml speech dae. gotta go sch from mornin to 8 in the night lo. wa!!! tonite gotta do housework. confirm not enuf slp again. bahx. hope tml goes smoothly. i hope.

i'm sad. sad. sad. i'm confused. confused. confused. i'm tired. tired. tired.

`~there's nth i can do bout it. xcept to stare into empty space. n b troubled all dae long~`

2005-03-30T20:51:00.000-08:00

bahx. i think the prob with mi is i think too highly of maiself in some aspects. bahx. think less i'll b fine. wahahax.

i'm not thinking. foreva not going to. i hate the 23rd pair chromosome. remind mi. i hate it!!!

stressed out by dance. my body's aching. bahx. i'm tired. of everything in life.

~`april's cuming. denise mummiex birthdae!~`

2005-03-28T20:41:00.000-08:00

i'm feelin down. veri down. extra down. bahx. bahx. bahx.

life's a torture.

~`will i see the light again?`~

2005-03-26T17:52:00.000-08:00

booie. juz reach hum. bahx.

mi went to CUT HAIR. lolx. yeah AGAIN. in one mth i can cut twice. pengX. budden now it's definitely shorter. hahax. usually if i like my new hair, mai mum will sae not nice. if i dun like, den she will sae it's nice. this time...she said.. ... ..NICE! which means it's HORRIBLE. lolx. maybe not tat serious la. budden i definitely prefer my old hair. haIx. soBx.

after den mi n mama went to buy the things to burn for muai papa coz qing ming cuming liao mahx. tis time i choose all the stuff. got 4 diff pattern shirts, 1 sandal, 1 hi-fi, 1 tv, new hp, watch, gold bars, money blah blah... hope daddy like it :)

iceX to daddy: hope ya like the stuff! muz give mi dreams okiee?! u give dream to every1 xcept mi...sobx. take care. love ya. miss ya lots.

aiyyaya. din get to go swimmin with eva. budden nvm she got wq to accompany. lolx. have fun~

hmm. dance sessions are wu liao. buddden still gotta go :( the onli intersting parts are the breaks and going out after dance pracs. wahahax. -evil grins-

bahx. anyway. mi n crystal ran under the rain. lolx. got quite wet. now having a headache. shall go n slp soon. hope mi dun get sick so easily. bahx. i'm strong. on second thoughts i shall play a bit of sp first. wahahx.

~`cherish the people around you. dun wait till u lose them and regret then. it's too late.`~

2005-03-24T21:35:00.000-08:00

oopS. soooo sorry. tis is mai THIRD entry of the dae in a row. lolx. suddenly got an impulse to do quizzes my sis did. so as well post it here.

You are the depressed/dreamer anime girl.You either
lost somebody you love or somebody broke you
heart so bad that you can't pick up the
shattered pieces without hurting yourself.You
think nobody can heal your wounds but don't
stop looking because you never know who loves
you enough to try hell the one special guy
could be right infornt of your eyes and you
don't even know it.You also love to day dream
because it seems like the only place that makes
you happy.BBut little do you know that people
all around you are trying to make you happy and
you won't let them in fearing you'll get
another heartbreak or get hurt worse.But just
try and if things go wrong just brush it off
and try again.It never hurts to try.

If You Were An Anime Character What Would You Look Like?(Girls Only)
brought to you by Quizilla

Waterfall

?? Which Natural Wonder Or Disaster Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

Aphrodite/Eros

?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

You're Most Like The Season Autumn ...

You're warm, and the most approachable. You have
that gentle prescence about you. People can
relate to you, and find you easy company.
However it's likely you've been hurt in the
past and it has left you scarred so things can
become rather chilly with you at times. Being
the third Season in, you're mature, trustworthy
and loyal to your friends but prone to
depression and negative thinking.

Well done... You're the shy and sensitive season :)

?? Which Season Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

Love

?? Which Angel Or Demon Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

Which Incredibles Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Britain

?? Which Country Are You From ??
brought to you by Quizilla

You are the 'regular' teen. Don't worry, alot of
people will get this result. However, you set
pretty high/low goals for yourself...and you
believe you are the only one in the world.
But, there are alot of people with your
attitude. You tend to wear regular clothing,
or you are forced to wear colors you don't want
to. (such as your mother always buying you
pink / blue clothing) Sometimes you feel
horribly lonely and want to hide, but as
always, you find something to give you reason
to continue. You can either hate or love
school, one opinion please. Never fear, you
are not one of a kind...and that is kinda nice
to hear, since there are other teenagers out
there with your exact view on life.

You
could get a job as an author, Teacher, editor,
architect, buisness owner, or administrator.
Good luck in life, and don't forget that no one
is ever alone.

What type of teenager are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

hand holding - you like to be in constant physical
contact with your special someone but you don't
want to take things too quickly.

What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You like the ones that understand you.

What kind of guy are you most attracted to? (CUTE anime pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

-Sensitive- You're Sensitive, and you'd like to
stay that way. Sorry,listened to a bit too much
Jewel there. You're sweet and very emotionally
charged. You definitely love the person you're
with, and always want to know how they're
feeling so you can make sure they're happy.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You're like me! The intelligent loner. You're shy
at times but friendly, and you are never weak
and always independent. You are incredibly
intelligent (wise beyond your years) and have a
talent for many things (sports, music, art).
You have a kind and warm personality and enjoy
the simple things. Like hanging out with
friends and watching movies at home. But you're
sometimes quiet nature makes you a bit of an
outcast and a mystery to people. No matter how
pretty you are or smart or athletic, you just
can't seem to break into the crowd and be
noticed. Don't worry, try to be more outgoing
and speak out when you have more to say. Don't
hide behind your books and sports and computer,
get out there and get noticed. You also have
deep desires in life and feel vunerable and
alone at times. Don't feel sad either, What
helps me to express feelings and dreams that I
can't say to people, is through my writting.
Maybe you should try.

What kind of girl are you? (with pix!)
brought to you by Quizilla

You're like me ^.^ You feel alone sometimes, but
you will survive. Just remember that you got
alot of friends that will help you get trough
when you got problems.Think more positive ^_~
If you don't have friends, you have to be
carefull, depression isn't far away... Plzz
rate...

~~Are you a bit Depressed? Are you Happy?~~*With Anime pics*
brought to you by Quizilla

Your Kagome! you like to hang out with your friends
and are always the first person to volunteer to
show a new student around, you are kind and
giving and enjoy having a occasional sleep-over
with the girls!

What Inuyasha Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

you represent the hard times in life. you have a
hard life yourself and a hidden self many don't
know about.

What part of life do you represent? ( AWESOME anime pics ^_^)
brought to you by Quizilla

okkieee. i noe i'm lame. doing quizzes for more than an hour. tis is how i waste my free time off. bahx. byeee. play game lo. whee~

2005-03-24T21:00:00.000-08:00

hiiiii~~~~ yeah. i din type wrong date. lolx. tis mai 2nd entry of the dae.

can u believe wu liao i am? after i blogged at 5.45pm juz now, i went to eat dinner. den played tarot. erm the results r quite erm...duno gd or bad la. but is not wat i hope for la. den bt 7 i on the com again. went to read ALL my PAST ENTRIES. lolx. read n read till NOW. wahahahx. juz realised tat i'm so pessimistic. but in a pessimistic way i like my 'pessimistism'. pEnGx. think the most meanging ful thing i said was about the life is like having a toothache. hahax. rmb? hahax. tink i'm soooo lame la. waste 1hr plus to read. n i'm letting time slip by mi while typin tis entry. lolx. guess i'm feelin weird todae.

anywaex. tml going out with mama. either we going grandma hse. or we going to shoppin. or going out with aunt. i duno. she decide. wahahx.

after tis i gonna go 'tok' to my online diary. lolx. 'wasting' time again. bahx.

~`if u juz try. juz ask. things will be soo diff. budden on the other hand. it shld be mi.`~

2005-03-24T17:45:00.000-08:00

~`a fairytale in my heart. a tradegy in reality.`~

booie. juz came hum. from sports dae. smelly smelly. lolx. shall bathe after tis.

anywaex. shall start tokin bout yesterdae first. yesterdae went acjc for tat geog thingy. apparently we din get pass the first rd la. the finalists r ri, e 2 schs of ac blah blah n st joseph i tink. yeah. ri won in the end. lolx. after tat ms pear agreed to treat us dinner den the 9 of us including ms pear were arguing where to go. at first we agreed on going tanah merah dere near hj's hse eat roti prata. budden in the end preston n ms pear tink pizza hut is more 'high-class' so we went to tampines. lolx. spent a LOT of s-11. lolx. very full! thx ms pear!!! u rox! hahax den went ntuc to buy the food supply for todae sports dae for my class. reach hum bt 9. bahx.

todae is the combined sports meets again. lolx. dhs rox man. hmm. tis year like a lot ppl not enthu? lolx. but I AM. scream a lot ne. wahahx. liwei n denise oso. hahax. glad to sae all the food are finished. lolx. the awards mainly goes to chung cheung high main n dhs. lolx. cool. n 'xian fei' ran veri fast wor. lolx. of coz from 4i mahx. hahax. ameilia oso. every1 rox la. OoOOo. n of coz out of all, mr sng is soooo cute. lolx. he ran for the staff race. last runner. so cool lo. nice principal! :p
after tat went tampines again with von, zf n shiyi. lolx. went comics collection. sad. the keychain i wan sold out le. bahx.

hmm. so basically. todae is a happy yet not happy dae. lolx. wat m i toking. i oso nt sure. lolx. juz troubled with lots of stuff la. wahahahx. got a headache now. lack of slp lahx. yesterdae played com till quite late. lolx. i dun care. tis gd fri n weekend i'm gonna chiong sp. left 20% more to level up! i wan to up level!!! heeX. gonna chiong gb too. lolx. i wanna buy a few accessories from the avatar(?!). lolx. 3 cheers to sp n gb. lolx.

hmm. besides playin com. tink i'm gonna go play my tarot liao. haven't touch them for like few months. gonna go interact interact lolx. got dance practices in the weekend. TIRED. lolx. if tat royston guy still make mi do alone. i'll cry again. make him scared. bahx.

okie. gotta go pompom. den mum-mum. lolx. byeeeeee.

~`wen memories flows baf. the heart bleed. wen the flashes from past reappear. the mind ache. wen daydreams of 'if's pops. the soul cries. wen the eyes has u in view. the heart. the mind. the soul. shatters. no more 'if's in reality. only 'if's in fairytale.`~

2005-03-17T18:05:00.000-08:00

hi. i'm baf from eds camp. bahx.
it's quite a success i guess. at least most things proceeded as planned.
my whole life sux. bascially i totally sux la.
the camp proves it. my actions proves it.
everyone hates mi.
i'm quarrelsome.unfeeling.ap.insignificant.useless.
i'm irritating.petty.idiotic.extra.introvert.
tat's wat ppl tink.
i'm pissing all my frens off.
ALL.
i neva wanted to ignore anione.
i neva wanted to play out anione.
i neva wanted to piss off anione.
y everyone is angry with mi.
it sux being a loner.
but wat choice i haf.
i duno wat to do alreadi.
from young to now.
from pri to sec.
the fact neva change.
i'm juz a loser.
hated by everyone.
even if once i have frens.
they eventually get pissed off by mi.

-`will this fate continue? i can't take it animore. damn.`-

2005-03-11T22:20:00.000-08:00

hi. todae got syf dance prac at kallang theatre. there is HUGe real huge lo. lolx. atmosphere is diff there. at least most of us get into the mood of dancing to the music. budden it's EXPENSIVE real ex. about 1000bucks for 4h? dotx rite. it's like $4.50 per minute. thx mr sng for his generosity. u rox! lolx!

MarCh holidaes cuming. not tat happy though. homework n projects one whole pile. purely EDS camp, syf n sd dance pracs blah blah can use up the entire 9 daes liao lo. bahx. stressed.

these daes mi juz keep floppin tests. dun dare to show mai mum. is always either juz boderline pass or fail. fail my eng (12/30). juz passed my chem, hist n ss(13/25). bahx. confirm get scolding de lo. it's like i get stupider. dun live up to my mum's expectation nor mine. i know tis yr more busy will surely drop budden i din noe i'm sooo damn stupid. even some i got take efforts to study oso no use. it's realli like knowing u r dropping down a horrible dark bottemless pit n there's nothing to hold on or save mi. n like ppl keep saeing like i wateva can do it or wat. i noe it's like encouraging. budden i feel stressed by tat too. bahx. i'm useless man.

though i spend time at cca. it's not making any headway too. i sux at dance. royston praise most ppl except MI. i got so many faults let him pick on. i sux as a secretary. juz now lumny called to ask mi about camp stuff yet i can't realli help tho i'm supposed to as a secretary. bahx. they can survive well without mi. i'm juz a burden extra one rotting there.

life isn't getting beta anywae. it's boring. perhaps mai vcds n music can help.

i keep slacking tho i know i got a lot of stuff to do. perhaps life has not much meaningful meaning for mi. i dunno. everything juz so discouraging. aren't they?

`-wen i look at u. i'm delighted yet sad. coz i'm so inferior in comparison with u. there's no reason for mi to think anymore.`-

2005-03-05T14:36:00.000-08:00

booIe. juz finish 4 slices of pizza for lunch. bahx. can u believe i woke up at 1.30pm todae??? lolx. coz last nite i slept at FOUR a.m. channel 8 n channel were showing late night ghost stories mahx. so i was watching and end up switching channels most of the times. veri lame stories coz both channels' shows got the same actors and even the names. PenGx. watch till confusing. aniwae, after tat my sis n her bf were watching 'my date with vampire 3' while my mum was watching miss teen '04. LOL. whole family watching tv. bahX.

next week got 3 tests. actually now quite scared. coz i haveen't even touch a tweeny little bit. yesterdae whole dae not free den my homework still has one whole pile. haven't even touch the english articelSSS, ss, maths(!!!). den every mon, tues, fri and sat got syf dance. now they going to add another dance prac for eds nite. which means basically i whole week all got dance liao lo. haiX. the worst thing is like the stuff teacher taught last time i can understand veri fast. now? i dun even noe what they tokin bout. den do assignments oso veri slow so i end up juz copying everytime. haiX. i juz can't seem to concentrate.(c. i'm bloggin here instead of doin homework n watchin tv till late nights) next week geog, maths n bio i realli dun understand at all. n these daes my tests all juz pass juz pass de. den i tink my recent chem test fail liao. my mum alreadi screaming like hell le. duno how lehx. dun wanna flop anymore. den i tell ppl they like dun believe like how can a top student be stupid suddenly. i mean WHY CANNOT lo? i oso human wat. n i'm not a top studnet ok?! wat i good at is onli memorizing n throw thngs back at teacher den forget everithin liao. ArGh! -stressed-

i dun wan additional stress or problems now. want to keep my mind clear. budden it's like almost impossible. there's almost no way to achieve tat lo. everidae there's always new stuff poppin up. ArgH! heLp!

2005-03-05T08:28:00.000-08:00

boOie. juz came baf from CO concert. hahax. not bad ne! hahax. rawk on~

so tired ne. morning dance den rush home to bathe and dress up (look kinda weird todae). den rush off to victoria concert hall. me n crystal n frens din noe can take 608 right to the ENTRANCE. we end up walking from city hall to vch.pengX. aiyaya. hahax. saw heeX n gy, wq blah blah there. lolx. all dressed till mei mei o..esp CrYstAl. lolx. my gf mahx.

okkie..gotta go eat muai kfc meal lo. ZzZZzz. sis's bf cumign to stay. we r hafing a vcd marathon tonite i guess. tho i tink i'll fall aslp soon. hahax. okiee. byeee.

+`she loOk so xiNg fU. makes mi feel...envy...n...pain? i duno. sad.`+

2005-03-04T19:50:00.000-08:00

if u gals r reading tis, i gotta apologiaze for mai bad attitude.

firstly wanna sae SORRY for being so ap. so quiet or black faced. not i dun wanna speak but i duno how to xplain maiself. juz so complicated. n i'm already been irritating to a lot ppl le like hee, denise n crystal. everitime complain to u all. i dun wanna be a grouchy buggy pest to u all. after i think over alone i'll feel beta le. thx ppl.

sorry too for sorta ignoring u guys. espcially hee, my righthand side stead shui jing, denise, wq, zf, von blah blah. u all tried tokin to mi budden i'm so ap. bahx. sori. can't realli smile at tat time. n plus tat bu nan bu nu de stupid smelly idiotic royston keep scoldin. sorrie.

i noe u all are kinda pissed with mi lahx. i'm pissed with maiself too. forgive mi k. . . . . . . . .

c u gals tml at dance.

+`excited goin on DATE with my stead -----> crystal!!! CO conCerT!` duN b anGry k!+

2005-03-03T18:15:00.000-08:00

aRgh! feel like going ecp. have some sea breeze. scream my heart out. let all my troubles flow away with the water. but now having a severe headache n muscle ache. n mai mum will neva let mi go. dotx. everything is juz accumulating inside. piling up till i one dae will finally burst out. anywae no 1 cares. came home cried. my mum saw. she din care. onli asked if it is test fail. i said no den she juz walk away. pissed. i'm juz a result maker in her eyes is it?!

feelin so damn pissed. sch sux like hell. so much homework n tests. so much frustration. can't take it le. den i provoke people who i din even provoke? juz got tat a.p. look on their face. make mi even more pissed off. dotx.

guess is mai retribution. i'm dispensable. extremely dispensable. i used to so dumb and stupid to tink i'm impt at least in some ways. hahax. wat the stupid naive thinkin i haf. my bao yin la for tokin behind ppl's back. wateva. guess i'm gettin the same treatment too. of course. to them, i'm juz a hello n bye person mahx. hu realli care. i'm a total failure in life. so called a student leader but actually juz a useless one. spend so much time oso no use la. i can be easily replaced la. no matter in terms of friends, cca, studies.

ArGH!!!!! i wan to screammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. cryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

2005-03-01T20:55:00.000-08:00

boOie..i finally blogged after soo long. sorrie ne. coz my com got lots of virus inside bugging it. until now actually still got. budden i downloaded the mozilla firefox. tho it still jams but at least beta den internet explorer lahx.

so sad. no half-dae. :( tot principal will give us lo. badDie. wahahx.

todaE verI tired. pe ran two rounds and tried broad jump. bahx. i'm veri veri lan. failed. so u can noe how bad i m rite. HaIx. suaN le.

after sch, mi went for half a CIP session.digging at Kantong Park. kinda fun lahx. budden it's chao tiring n i din get to dig up any interesting stuff xcept for some wire and bricks. :(

todae is 1st of MarCh. ms fang's 'big wind blow'. haiX. pOor huanghuan gotta sit with ny. JiA yoU k. bahx. finally realised tat sei kiat is a veri cute n great partner wen i'm 'separated' from him todae. lolX. my neW poSitTion: in front of harrY, behind li weI nU eR, far beside valerie and.. ..dotx beside yihan. bahX. a bit weird lahx. hahax. shall try to tok. bleahs. hahax. hello new sitting partner... wahahax. hmm. oh. n i realise mr oyster got a lot of yuan with my mamas. last time he sat with denise who is muai mama. den now he's sitting with felicia. erms hu is oso my mummiex. hahax. cute lohs. wahahx. anYwaE. march is short. got 1 week holi plus sports dae n good fridae. wahahahx. no offense!

bAhX. juz now went bk to buy food den came baf to burn cd. mi tried to burn some of shinhwa's and boa's mtvs. n like tat i spent 2 plus hours!!! i wasted one disc. den the second disc, i waited for sooo long den wen it keep jamming at 3%. in the end, it popped out error application. WASTED my time! baHx. saD.

i've been slackin n slackin n slackin. feel soo bad. budden haIx. can't help it. physically exhausted cause mental exhaustion too. now gotta go watch 9pm show lo. it's funny. cyaaa. byeeee.