booie.
feeling veri tired. having backache. pain. ate 3 tablets liao. feelin beta. haf dance todae. sorrie i'm late. din rehearse much for indian dance. had soccer prac. discovered tat my soccer still veri lan. bahx. my ball can onli move straight n no other direction. still feelin down. duno wat to sae.
feelin totally no confidence about eds nitex which is about 2 more daes away. i haven't memorize my steps for indian dance. i have a fat idiotic figure tat i got to show. my movements are restricted n ugly. i'll juz tuo lei every1. n pissed ppl away again.
finally 2 tests end liao. think maths is ok. but my chem sux like hell. out of 4 pages onli noe how to do 1 page. bahx.
recently i tot maybe i m not tat insociable no frens. there's ppl hu like mi as frens. but i'm so damn silly. silly. i realise ppl juz treat mi like how they will treat any other people. any other strangers even. just a gesture of politeness. if ppl have the chance to choose i'll neva be on the list. perhaps occasional laughters and conversations doesn't mean anything. so ironic. juz the previous post i sae i wan to cherish all my frens. my frens...? hu...?
rmb yesterdae. during dance. was having backache. feelin quite down. didn't smile. didn't tok. i dun mind no one realli care. dun care if u all sae mi behind mai back. at least dun let mi hear rite. duno if is directed to mi. but was realli damn hurt when i heard it. went toilet to cry. hahax. so dumb. after so many things happened these few mths i neva had a good cry. in fact i didn't cry. out of all places i had a good cry in the dhs toilet n on bus 30. hahax. ppl sitting in front of mi didn't realli notice. hahax. i realli can cry silently man. haha.
perhaps i dun smile. look tired. look pissed. ppl may feel bu shuang. feel y this stupid insignificant woman here is showing mi colour?! she got right mehx?! extra! tink everyone tink like tat bahx. can tell.
after so many stuff i realli only wanted to have friends beside mi. but i guess it's impossible. there's so many times i tot i have a lot of good frens, best frens. it juz turn out to be bluff. lies. i should have learn my lesson two years ago. i will still hear. i will still tok if anyone tok to mi. but i wouldn't dare to confide in ppl. come on. hu actually cares. tink more optimisticly ppl may juz feel i'm irritating..if put more crudely...ppl juz tink i'm a stupid woman who onli noe how to complain to lament so fake so iditoic so wateva. i'm a big fat dumbo who dun haf the right to complain bout being stressed being tired being inferior being scared being sad.
some ppl may complain bout others. but they still get along very well with others. they can joke they can laugh they can play they can go out together. even beta than with mi. perhaps in their eyes i'm juz insignificant. a trash that can be discarded at wish. ha.
some ppl are popular la. they dun nid mi around. there are ppl who r beta listeners than mi. there are ppl who r more helpful more sociable than mi. they are ppl who are more fun more loving than mi. there's no nid for mi. i'm juz so dispensable.
some ppl feel i'm a nerd. study whole dae long. i've changed. i slack. i dun study all dae long. i go out. i try to keep myself updated. but it's no use. it's juz mi ppl dun like about. sometimes y i get so affected by studies. wanting to do well. actually i neva tink far. not about my future. it's juz i sux at cca sux at sports sux at everything. studies is the only thing i can prove my worth. losing grip of it is like being a total failure. but it still feel hurt when ppl sae like ppl like U shld go rj blah blahx...so li hai confirm can do well..blah blahx. it's juz so..i duno..excluding mi..isolating mi away...giving mi more pressure...making mi so alone by maiself.
u noe how tough is it. all these years. i'm trying to be in join in the crowd. n juz joke around. n have great frens to hang out with. but i neva succeeded. some ppl may tink i haf frens. but to ppl i'm juz a passing figure in their life. talking to mi is juz a form of fu yan. not bcoz i'm a fren. can feel it maiself. perhaps in pri sch i still duno wat friendship is about. i juz childishly noe bout study. there's no emphasis on frens. then in sec sch. frens become like an importatn part. i'v e being struggling. so conscious. no 1 noes. it's so pain. everydae juz going to sch. hoping the dae will be fine. hoping ppl will tok to mi. hoping i dun look or behave weird to others. hoping tat ppl tink i'm fine. it's so stressful. so serious tat it can affect my everydae mood.
yesterdae. was feeling beta than todae. coz i still tot i've mai family. but i'm wrong. i'm alone. juz alone. my brother will have betther things to do than care bout mi. my sister will rather go care bout her bf and her frens than mi. my mother is so unpredictable. u noe that there's so many times i juz wanna go out with my siblings or mother n spend a good time together but there is neva one time. it always end up quarreling or arguing. i may argue with them. be sharp with words. i dun feel good after tat. it's pain for mi too. but i dun tink they care either. my sis has a bunch of good 'sisters' and bf. my brother has his frens and gfs. where will they bother. it hurts u noe. it really do. now i'm all alone.
it realli feel veri sad to be alone. a life worrying everydae if anyone will tok to mi. a life worrying if any word i sae will upset anione. a life worrying everidae if my actions will piss anione off. a life without any love n concern. a life onli maiself n no where to vent my troubles. this blog perhaps is so seldom ppl cum. is my onli confiding place.
perhaps in my whole life, there's onli 12 years i experienced a life with love n i felt loved by mai parents. after tat was a period of darkness. a time when the one closest to mi left mi and realised the others close were with others instead of bside mi. i was alone then. facing pain alone. perhaps in my entire life. there's a short period of time where i actually feel tat i m cherished. where my existence is of purpose. i have to thx u. but this period is gone. i'm all alone again. facing the future years in my life without any courage or confidence. feel like i'm dropping into a deep hole...duno wen will i reach the ground...have some support...
i dun like the feelin of abandoned. dun even feel like going to pracs. going to sch. it's torture for mi. worrying about every single thing. no 1 can actually understand wat i feel. everyone has diff experiences in life. everyone has troubles of their own. no 1 can understand mi. juz dun look down on mi.
weird thing tat i took over an hour to type this post. imagine a crying stupid idiot sitting in front of the com typing. agruing with her sister n mother at the same time. reflecting on her past which she dun reali wan to rmb. but juz wan to get this thing she has been controlling inside her for a longgg time off her chest.
perhaps if any one or two ppl hu came to this bogg n read this post. they may think i'm a attention grabber. a person wallowing in self-pity. but i'm not. i juz nid somewhere to relax. relieve stress when i'm goign to burst. tat's all. up to u to believe.