middle of the night.
everyone is aslp in my hse.
after the big world war five.
once again.
the only thing i can turn to is my com.
seek a electrical invention for consolance.
once again.
this keeps recurring.
wen will it stop.
tat woman.
i did mai best.
i accompanied her out.
wen the other 2 ppl were busy with their lives.
tried to keep her spirits up.
n all i get in return?
a beating with her ruthless cane.
pullng of mai hair.
shouting n screaming in mai face.
her punches n kicks.
n she still said tat we were the cause for her madness n violence.
obviously she had forgotten the 15 over years she had gave mi.
the life i have been through.
yeah she had tough times.
but yet she forgot the the tough times she put mi thru.
witnessing fights everidae with knives and brooms. leaving the house. sleepness nights. slaps and kicks. from young till now.
n she ask mi y we can be so violent too?
n she claimed tat she did the best for us?
to subject us to such mental n physical torture?
be it now or in the past.
the stinging sensation on my legs.
the pain in my scalp.
the swollen eyes.
they all tell mi tat i can neva escape this living hell.
the living hell tat had worsen all these 15 years.
my sis suffers same fate too.
but at least she has her dear n frens.
everytime i try to enter her world.
there's always a invisible barrier.
tat tells mi tat blood is not thicker than water.
n tat i'm dispensable n insignificant in her life.
here i am.
seekin consolance and calm from a computer.
in a world of no kin n fren.
If god realli exist.
y will he punish a girl.
to be born into the colourful world.
onli to be deserted and abandoned by it.
experiencing the darkness and loneliness of life.
i duno how more longer i can take it.
how much longer i can tolerate.
how much longer i can deceive myself tat the world has not abandoned mi?
how much longer i can pretend n ask maiself to smile again.
how much longer stand the fact tat i can onli cry out my pain to the com.
how much longer i can control maiself from the final breakdown.
from the time i have memories of this family.
it's always bout violence. betrayal. fights. quarrels. cruelness. tears.
n the only figure tat can make this life tolerable is no longer there.
perhaps i am the luckiest out of the three.
to be born the latest.
but my tolerance can neva be compared to theirs.
i may sound fierce. i may look strong.
but hu actually noes tat i'm vulnerable.
hu actually realli cum to tok to mi after my onli pillar of support is gone.
hu actually noes about the tears i shed wenever i tink of him.
i guess i can't blame them.
they have their own life. dazzling and wonderful life.
hu will actually stop and notice the sister they left behind.
the sister hu is trying to be strong.
but little they knew.
the more tis girl pretend.
the deeper the scar gets.
the more pain it gets.
but they will never know.
they probably tink i'm juz an unreasonable irritating pest.
sometimes it hurts to know.
how cum i'm born with the absence of the natural instincts tat ppl should have.
the absence of the ability to juz leave a slight impact on ppl's life.
the absence of the ability to juz gain a little recognition by my kins. my frens. the world.
the lack of chance to experience a normal complete family warmth.
the lack of strength to face up to facts and get on with life.
dun understand y did god created my existence.
an existence tat even i myself despise and detest.
i duno how long i can cling on to.
cling on the tiny little bit of strength n faith tat's left in mi.
i'm juz so tired.
so pain.
and i have no idea wat to do.
i'm lost.
i'm trapped in a world tat abandoned mi. a family tat deserted mi.
like now. i'm juz all alone. crying. indulging in self-pity.
juz alone.
alone.