booie.
juz reach home. eds nitex '05 *adacadabra* is over...
guess both afternoon n evening show was rather okay. the evening show is around full house bahx. n the audience were cool for both. thx for coming eds nitex...
thx puiyee ngan ching pau wilson shiyi for flower. :)
tink the whole was great lahx. out of all. MATTHEW ROX. he can act sOoOOoo well! n sooo cute. hahax. my mum n family oso tink so. ooo. n mai mum sae liqin veri pretty. hahax.
the heavy rain haven't stop. rar. feelin damn tired. from 7 to 11 plus in sch. bahx. shld be going to slp soon. but b4 tat since my com managed to on surprisingly so decided to blog. feel tat if i dun blog i probably will die of grief or explode...
the show was fabulous lahx. n i wasn't. everyone else were great. i did quite a few mistakes in the indian dance. pissed ppl off. sux at drama. blahx blahx.
felt so empty todae. i shld be happy actually tat i got flower(5). at least beta than last yr (1). budden is kinda inferior tat during intervals... ppl r all busy running about meeting frens n classmates taking flowers talking. n i'm juz like floating around pretending to be busy. so i decided to hide in the changing rm during interval. juz at tat moment wen i closed the door..my surroundings changed from soo noisy and crowded to soo lonely, alone, quiet and silent. a tear dropped. it's juz rather saddening. like i'll always belong to the lonely side...abandoned exiled there...
den tink i pissed a lot of ppl off. especially one person. mainly at the end of the concert. sorry i cried in front of wl matt they all. didn't want to act in the dead man's play. is not bocz i tired. upset. sick. or wateva. ppl so popular like u will neva understand bahx. i sux terribly at drama.. i didn't wan to like pull down the standard of that play. n i'm so lan at acting. i tink in many ppl's eyes i'm like a boring stupid nerd. n i dun realli wan to like disgrace maiself in front of them alreadi...the comm ppl all can act so well onli me..can see the diff..so obvious..n my role is so xtra..one daughter is sufficient... tat's y i dun wanted to act. it may the last chance on stage. but doing something u r not confident of, that last chance may not be a gd thing either. it juz marked a extremely sucky ending for my eds life. duno wat other ppl tink. y i so ap or wat. get angry or wateva. but if u dun understand plz dun try to force ppl. it's hurting.
after the play, my sis n bf were lamenting how spastic n fake i was while how good others were. den my mum was going' acting wasn't ur forte rite?!' with a watsoeva look. i noe i acted suckily too. i'll get laughed at n poked fun at n looked down upon again.
end of eds nitex. shld be time of joy. finally pull off the concert successfully. ppl were hugging screaming. cool. i din join in. dun tink ani1 notice aniwaes. at least i can console maiself tat it not tat much worse than last year l. rmb last yr eds nitex '04 was rather successful too.. but i left silently too. it's like a feelin tat wen ppl r happy the first ppl they tink of will neva be mi. true for all. but nvm. i'm used to it.
duno y these daes keep crying. there's so much things weighing down in mai heart n mind. but there's no 1 to confide in. there's fear of irritating ppl. there's fear of making others angry. there's fear of being criticised. there's fear of being rebutted n backfired at. fear of being betrayed. so many fear. all i can do is to keep these troubles inside mi. den continue pulling a face. den ppl will get piss off. den watsoeva. i duno.
my life has destined to be alone. i accepted tat fact long ago. juz wanted to try to change fate but it seems rather impossible. with the eds over, guess i'll be expecting much lonely life alone. hu will actually rmb mi. ppl around mi has others in their lives. no one's lives has a space for mi. todae is a gd example. honestly, i m scared of facing this ending, but there's no other way out. fate decrees it to be like tat. wat can i do. i'm losing the patience the courage the strength to contiue acting so open so happy. i'm juz a pathetic idiot waiting for ppl to give mi friendship of sympthay...like donating to a begger.
having mixed feeling. feeling damn pissed n damn sad now. feeling ap.
try having mai life. maybe u will feel even worse than now.
feel like shouting. feel like screaming. feel like hurling vulgarities. feel like bashing someone up.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
cry.
